ILOVEYOU!

last post

2006-07-11T19:24:00.000+08:00

this is gonna be my last post here. =)
i've decided to use wordpress for some reasons. =) this is my new blog. =) pls relink.

there is this sudden flashback. after it i just can't stop myself from thinking. all those times. will they happen again? thinking abt it i smiled, i cried. so many thots. i hate myself for doing those things towards you and i hate you for doing those things to me... jia is being random...

now i noe. where i stand. laughs. only look for me when you need me rite? u noe wad? seriously she is just so sick and tired. sick and tired of making the first move. sick and tired of trying to put everything in place. sick and tired of trying to catch everything tt is falling, including herself. she is just soo sick and tired of trying again and again, failing again and again...

i guess i'll never take tt place in ur heart... just wad am i? i feel it inside of me. all these is wrong i know. and it is going to lead us astray... all these thots. haiz. *shakes head* open? close? i dunno. perhaps i should just leave things as it is. cuz i'm in no right to do anything or say anything. i feel tt i'm beginning to hate tis place more and more but not totally hate everything abt it...

i hate waiting. waiting for tt ans. i'm scared. scared tt i'll be make use of once again.

argh! i really dun like lying! it sucks. but do i have a choice? can i just tell my mum everything? =( i guess not. but e thot of me gg to lie to her for another time just tear me apart... all these things i guess you all will never know...

hahas! guess wad i found in the kitchen? after opening this and that i found chocs! lol. my mum hide it! and i found it! yay! i'm happy! lalalas. =D

you know what?! it has really been a long long time ever since i feel from the bottom of my heart... and i guess i'll never feel so in time to come... =(

she dunno where is her limits, she dun wna know. but one thing she know is when she has reached there... God's grace will be sufficient for her... she is going to make it through... =)

-her heart burns only for Him... she love Him! <3

???

2006-07-11T01:09:00.000+08:00

i dun even know what we are...

sometimes u dun need to be so independent...

i'm waiting. waiting for?

i can't stop thinking of everything. and they are all driving me nuts.

what is this?

she says she is scared. wna noe the truth? i fear it even more than her. but not her ... but mine...

i dun wna stay down here anymore.

i'm losing it.

whatever.

so sick and tired of telling myslef those things...

why is tt e words come out of my mouth so easily when i'm encouraging others but not so when it is abt myself.

i no longer know what is real what is not. i can't differentiate anymore. everyone has a mask on...

why? why push me down again? i'm tired of trying over and over again.

now who is real who is not? laughs. frens?

why is tt u muz carry tt pride w u?

why is it tt u can just forget everything after saying those things to hurt me? okay. maybe u dun mean it. so pls think before u speak.

ugly singaporeans.

was it my fault?

it was all my fault.

i never understand anw.

yea. i dun need to know all these rite?

so who is right who is wrong?

jia is just nuts.

argh!!!

2006-07-08T00:26:00.000+08:00

rahhs! shit guys la! crap! i hate guys and their ego! man! they sucks! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! freak! freak! get lost la! go away!!!! argh! guys are petty! they are arrogant! they are all good for nth! argh! rahhhhhhhS! freak! get lost la! =(((

overflowing

2006-07-07T22:59:00.000+08:00

thots are flooding. soo much that i dun noe how to express them.

-no one ever said it was going to be easy, but it is not impossible. and i'm going to make it thru.

lost them all

2006-07-05T01:50:00.000+08:00

if this means that the old you is back. i rather not. i want a changed you. change for e better not worst. is that too much to ask for? perhaps i shouldn't even expect anything frm u at all...

man! this emvironment sucks! do u noe wad time is it now? dun raise ur voice in e middle of e night! ppl need to sleep lei! and i need to study! so shut up and go away! ya. how i wish i can ask them to shut up! but rmb? i'm a kid! they are adults! childish! freak! i'm juz soo goingg crazy! i hate this! arggh! keep quiet la! irritating!
i really cannot understand. you love yet u dun show! come on la! be real can! u love. u love. dun love but not say. but can you like say it out?! i feel so sucky now! yes! right now! there is a test tmr. and i can't study. and there is soo much work to be done. and all my revision schedule are all messed up! =(

i'm really disappointed with what u've done. u say, u're just playing. well then i hope you dun get burn w ur fire. i think u're so selfish. u're hurting urself and e ppl ard. i hope u dun mean it when u say u're playing only. however, this just goes to show that u're running. running frm reality. yea. we're all running... this ugly world with ugly ppl...

i feel so.... everything is so superficial. even ppl. guess i'm getting used to it.

i guess i understand that feeling. i've been through it. and i'm still in it. and i really dun wan anyone to feel that way. cuz i noe how it feels. but there is nth i can do. i felt as if my hands and legs are all tied up. nth i can do just to help you. but i pray. pray hard for you to overcome that feeling. cuz i know how does it feel. and wad it brings. only harm.

if you didn't say. i didn't know that actually all these while i've been moving out of my comfort zone. u noe i can sense that feeling within her. i feel e same way as her but i... i try my best not to let it show.

u wna hear wad i have to say? i'm angry? disappointed? i dunno. but just e thot that u're selfish comes to my mind. can u imagine? i dunno. i really dun. yepps. this is the adult world.

i didn't realise i was losing grip of it till i heard... ya. i need to hold on. but i dunno how. but i dun wna lose them. my passion for that revival. my dreams. my vision. i need them. i feel so lifeless without them all.

i feel lonely without hope and desperate without vision... i want them back! i dun wanna stay at where i am! take my hand...

-my strength, it comes frm you...

Obession

2006-07-05T01:28:00.000+08:00

Obession

What can I do with my obsession?
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being?
Is it wind that blows the trees?
Sometimes you're further than the moon
Sometimes you're closer than my skin
And you surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns

And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubborn God
and I'm longing to be close

You burn me deeper than I know
I feel lonely without hope
I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns for you

yest was a bad day! =(

2006-07-01T09:14:00.000+08:00

i screwed my chinese oral! like argh! so irritating! wad stupid topic was that?! ahhhhhhhhh! i only said very little. and i stoned! i stoned! ahhh!

hey wad's wrong w u la? why? again! i saw ur msg. all u need is just to send a msg to me and i'll do it. i really did thot of staying there or go shopping and ignore it. but i thot of u and my studies. even tho i noe when i reach home i won't be able to study. but cuz of u... laughs. guess wad i saw when i open the door??? no one. fine. i'm getting used to it. but can u dun give me that kinda tone? i'm sick and tired of it alr! very! just what do u really want? i cannot find anymore strength to go on in this. no point. okay. maybe i'm not being understanding here. maybe i haven't done enough yet. maybe what i'm doing is still insufficient. i don't know. whatever! i don't even know the feelings within me now. every night i lay on my bed and listen. hoping to listen to the sounds of you climbing up the stairs and your keys opening the lock.... i wait and i wait... it never came. not even in the morn. and you dun reply to msgs and you dun ans calls. what do u wan me to do? hello? i'm s human being here. i've feelings. do u think i can just sleep and not worry? laughs.
-sometimes i really wished that i'm a person with no emotions. perhaps i won't be feeling the agony here right now... my heart is soo cold... it died agian last night....

omgosh! i really hate adults! they dun keep their promises and they eat their words! crap! irritating. stupid adults and their affairs! ya! ya! ya! i'm a kid. i dun understand. laughs. think they behave more like kids then me?!

i thot i'll be e only one up in e middle of e night. i'll be e only who still can't sleep. and guess wad. two ppl were like coordinating tuition timing and stuff in e middle of e night?! i'm like e middle person la. and i almost got an heart attack when i received their msg. cuz everything was so quiet then suddenly got adams family de ringtone! xia si wo le!

jia muz mug! muz mug! i dun care by hook or by crook jia is going to finish studying! can de! can de! i'm gg changi on sun!!! =) mon no school! yea! =) i'm in love w changi! i like it there. lesser distractions. =)

okay bye! jia is going back to her study! =)

i'm officially chocolate deprived! my mum dun allow me to eat it. i wonder why... boo! =( i wan chocs! no more money to buy chocs le... =( jia is broke... and mummy is not willing to provide me with money to buy my chocs! argh! i just need smth to lift myself up! =(

love...

2006-06-30T01:33:00.000+08:00

rushing like mad for math test this morn! it is like last 2pages was left empty?! omgosh! den paper 2 dun understand that dumb graph qn! not enough time ah! and do till i headache! the worst thing i forgot to bring....
and we've been talking abt the 5 freaking revision test we have next week! tues- chem, ss, amaths!!! (3 tests in one day?!) wed-hist. thurs- emaths! man! i'm going crazy! can u believe it? phew! think sec4 life is really terrible! but... but i believe i'm gg to make it thru! i'll not burn out before Os! and i'm going to play hard and work even harder! =)
well. have our first lesson for pe. and we are combining classes?! =( boo! i dun like. anw, even if dun.... i .... haiz. forget it. i've long learnt to accept it.
had recess w yy n pq. =) been sucha long time since i had recess w them...

and then me n cyy was actually thinking of poning cca de. bad hor? but we decided not to. but in the end dun have to go. =) but kinda find out wad happen during the cca. the new comm is up! =( i guess this club is not really going to survive! i really doubt it's ability to go on! seriously speaking. it sucks! if only things were still like 3years ago?! laughs. the past is the past. =( nth more to say... but i can alr see its future. opps! =X sorry. it has no future at all...
yea. i think i'm really mean! but sorry. i'm just speaking the fact! boo! =(

so cyy came my house study instead. laughs. i like toking to her. though she may not really understand certain stuffs at time. hahas. i shall do a free advertisement for her. she is trying to announce to the whole world that her handsome cousin is on the straits times! the great singapore sale section! the guy model called joe. go take a look if you have it. =)

after that went for cgm. we played a super violent game! we simply jumped from one chair to another can. where got move? and ppl beside me are really violent. =X hahas. anw, really had a great time! super funny! kept laughing and laughing! hahas. lol. think we were screaming too loudly. got complaints. =( but nvm, we continued. cgm was good. =) i love my cg! <3

oh ya! i really hate cockroaches! =( they are so disgusting. and i saw one same one like 5 times?! i went home. went down to get newspaper. came back. went out for cgm. come back frm cgm. yucks! and each time i never failed to get scared by it! i wonder why. despite the fact that i saw it like more then twice?

ya. no doubt love is tiring. but it is not only tiring. love is also patient and kind and longsuffering... tink jia is just a silly girl. to think that after soo long of sowing what came to her mind was to throw in the towel? no! jia can't do that. how can she do that? of cuz not! she is going to continue sowing till she reaps! but now she just wonder. wonder how much longer can she hold before all the negative thots starts eating her up again. before another disappointment comes and harden her heart. and break it once again. ya. but she promise to try her very best not to let the negative thots eats her up, not to let another one disappointment harden her. cuz it happens everyday. she gotta learn to face it. if not think she might just die once everyday...

-sow and you will reap... =)

i dun wan things to remain like that! =(

2006-06-28T20:14:00.000+08:00

women are vicious. men are good for nothing. none is trustworthy. so i trust nobody not even myself. this world is just simply getting darker and darker. and i feel like a useless bum cuz all i wna do now is just to hide and run away from this world! =( how useless i am huh? yea. i know that. and thanks. thanks for letting me now that i suck! i suck as human! i'm a big fat liar and a failure. yea. ohh. i don't even know till you let me realize. thanks ar.

why must you do this? i don't understand. i really don't! i cannot imagine my life. my future. i can't see the front. all i see right now is what you're doing and how has it affected me. soo much. and i really hate all these.

i don't know why does it happens? i cannot comprehend what those ppl were thinking. and i'm really sick and tired of all these. i didn't wanted everything to turn out like that!

somethings don't need to be seen or heard, it can be felt...

here i am trying to study, here all these things are going on. now you know why i can't study at home. man! teach me! teach me how to focus? i don't know.

you know what i hate about you? that is you make me say everything! even things that i'm not suppose to say. then after everything. you just leave me hanging there! why?! can't you be a little fairer? i hate making the first move. if you want. why don't you just tell me first? why can't you do it? why must you always leave me hanging in the middle of the air?! you know how it feels? it sucks! argh! crap! bullshit! i don't know la?! the feeling that i'm almost telling you everything yet you're keepin quiet about almost everything! it just hell sucks!

i guess certain things are better left unsaid...

i'm lost for words. nth much more to say. all i can say this is a tragedy. and no one is doing anything just to salvage the situatiuon. including myself. =(

yea. what a failure i am. how many times has it happened? yet each time i just never do anything about it. cuz i don't know how to. and i really wish to know if someone would tell me what am i suppose to do. that will be great! really!

i really dun wan the situation to remain like this! there seems to be nth i can do. everything just seems so meaningless now...i feel so helpless.

i guess i have already known too much. really too much. too much to be true. but yet i still don't know everything cuz one refuse to say. nth i can do. but the feeling of knowing half the story sucks!

frankly speaking. i'm pretty angry. angry with .... an adult! laughs! adult? aren't they suppose to be the role models? i don't understand what are all of them doing!!! =(

first day of school...

2006-06-26T22:04:00.000+08:00

hmmm. first day of sch... nth much. pretty tired. i dunno la. haiz.

she is right. it is not easy. i say i can do it. but will i really be able to take it? i don't know. maybe yes maybe no. lets wait and see...

adults and their words. they cut. deep in.

i hate that sound. the sound you make cuz u're disappointed in me. no matter how much i do u just will never be satisfied. it will just never be enough for you. but i really hate that sound. can you all dun do it. it is just so....
i guess i just need some time alone. i've been forcing myself too much.

hiaz! =(
i'm really sorry

i'm just going to mug thru the night and ignore everything that is going on around me. i'm not going to care anymore. =)

my mum refuse to buy chocs for me... =( so mean. she say i eat too much le. like since when? whatever la. i don't eat she say i on diet. i eat she say i eat too much le. soo contradicting. =( haiyo. so what am i suppose to do? =/

-I wan chocs!!!!!!!

create in me... a new heart
as i come away.... with you
wash away.... all of my stains
and restore to me the joy i have in you

taking a break

2006-06-25T20:19:00.000+08:00

jia is officially crazy frm on the studying... really. tink i studied too much then now really not in e mood to study le... but dun worry, even if jia is super not in the mood she willl force herself to study. and jia just realise smth just now that is she's been studying but not doing her homework! =X how? dun care la. pia tonight. and i always thot cuz i'm frm history class not as much hw... den i realise still got lots even w/o the geog! haiz.

went down to ps to support sun on fri! hahas. i like her singing. but i seriously dun really like this kinda things. soo many ppl. soo boring. and wasted soo much time waiting... =( after that went to the airport! =) again! hahas. think due to overstudy i didn't really do much that day. but i was really laughing like crazy. and i seriously dun like ppl who bitches. soo loudly somemore. excuse me that place doesn't belongs to you... went home then changed and went out again. it was really funn but then i was very disappointed. i felt soo used by you. and you lie. laughs. what a big disappointment. nth more to say. i dun tink it is being fair to the kid. and i'm really not surprised if he forgot...... yepps.
wanted to go to expo to look for my cg de... but then... haiz.

omgosh! u know what? i had nightmares yest night! resulting in me don't dare to sleep! i had nightmares abt school re-opening then i kept waking up every one hour! crap la! and i kept thinkig that today is a mon! =( i also dreamt abt the cg. i dreamt of n122 and n312 without all the brothers. i forgot what was the dream abt le. but i rmb got fireworks and car racing de. okay. so actually i wan't suppose to be late. cuz i woke up even earlier. but then i missed the bus. and i wonder why is it that the sunday morning buses take soo long to come. and i realise recently i've been chasing after buses and trains! each time i reaching the bustop the bus will be there and i gotta run cuz if i missed it. i'll be late. argh! then when i reached the station the train will be one min. irregardless which way i'm going. and i gotta run again cuz the next train is 8mins??? =( anw, that is not the main point. the bus finally came and i boarded then no need say le. i alighted and walk as fast then i saw one min! i ran again! what the! i didn't catch the train. so even later! =( went svc. svc was really good. but i.... nvm. after that went coffee bean then boarded the train on my way to study and i got bullied! =X hahas. yepps. anw, i decided to go home and study myself. she is right i need to learn to focus. if not sch re-open how? cannot go to the airport le. anw if can go nobody will want to go with me. =( maybe i'll learn to study in the day and sleep in the night... so in the night, she won't be able to.....

i'm really tired. very tired. but not of work or what but of the disappointments everyday... each day it just gets bigger and bigger. i don't know how long i can take all this. there is a limit. and ya. you're going to say, limits is there cuz we placed it there. but i didn't. at first i also thot i can de. i can de. no prob. then i realise things are not that simple. slowly, i realise all these are actually not meant for a girl aged 16 to carry... but nvm. i'm willing to take everything. but there gotta be a limit. this can't go on forever.

you just don't learn your lessons do you? change please. just take it that i'm begging you. be it for me or for him or for yourself or for us. will you change?

i realise when i'm under depression i either dun eat or i eat alot. and cuz i dun eat my mum suspect i'm dieting and she stuff alot of food down my throat. =( i've been eating alot! and not been exercising! =(

what's wrong with you adults? crazy people. i tink sometimes adult are even more childish then us. are even more immature then us. ... ok, ... not ok. like ??? why is that you adults like to involve ppl like us into it? haiz. crap! i hate this!

-i'm craving for chocs n lollipop again! will anyone be nice? =)

not right in her mind.

2006-06-23T16:50:00.000+08:00

see. i told you i cant study at home. argh! i really hate this. crap. i try. i try very hard alr. i tried soo much it came to a point i no longer see any point in trying anymore. does it matter? i don't know. maybe like what she says i should.... but... i don't want. all i want now is just run away. bad right? but i didn't really run away. in a sense there is still this thing call the handphone. when is enough really going to be enough?
i have already come to a point i no longer know what i can say just to encourage you le. cause i don't even know how to encourage myself right now... i'm just going to leave this aside and not touch it for as long as possible...

ppl are driving me nuts. i'm becoming not right in my mind...

just who am i to you? do i mean nothing? no matter how much i do it don't mean anything to you right? why? why always like that? i'm alr willing to sacrifice my last.... just so that i can.... but you... laughs. disappointing world and people. when will people learn to stop being so disappointing...

if that means your pride and ego is back. i rather that don't happen. how dumb i am. i was waiting..... why would it happen anw? no reason for it to happen right? but i was just hoping....

see, if only there is not only one me. i can do soo much more things... but too bad. no matter how hard i pray how many wishes i make there is still only one me. jia wake up! be realistic. i'm sorry.

she is right. ultimately is not me but yourself....

we face storms in our lives... when it comes, people around you may encourage you, help you... but ultimately is still you... if a person reaches her hand out to pick you up... no matter how hard she tries to pull you up. if you're unwilling, at the end of the day it is still the same... people can be with you during this journey but the last few steps you gotta walk yourself... no matter how big or strong the storms is. stay strong. be stronger and bigger than the storms and you'll see the rainbow... after every storm there will always be a rainbow... to see it, gotta first endure the storms first... and i know during the storms there is this one person who will always be with me... you all know who is He. and i know all i need is just Him...

jia is being random again. wad's w the randomness?

tell me. just say. tell me what you want me to do so you'll...... i'll do it. i will. even if it is at the expense of my life...

my many thoughts...

2006-06-22T09:31:00.000+08:00

i feel so short of time. i don't know why. it is not that i have never felt this way before. but this time it just feels soo different. how? i don't want to be like ... not good lei like that. haiz.
i didn't sleep much. i don't know if it is that i'm abnormal so i don't feel tired or my mind just kept sending the signal "not enough time! cannot sleep!"

i waited and waited but it never came... i knew it will happen. but still i choose to believe that it won't. how wrong i was? laughs. anw, this is not the first time le. but just that i can't help but get disappointed by people. how disappointing this world is. but nvm i don't lean on people i lean on God. =)

i like prayer meetings. i can really speak in tongues and pray. not like now. i gotta hide here and there and i can't pray loudly. and this kinda feeling is really not soo nice.

i know where i stand. nvm, i'll wait cause i believe one day it will be just like how it was in the beginning...

i seriously don't know what have i done. i don't know. someone tell me please.

i thought if i'm not there, i'll be away from it all... how wrong i was. i forgot that there is this thing on earth called the handphone... give me a break. i cannot take this everyday. this is why i choose to be away. but no matter how hard i try to run away. it will still come to me...

the first day i served in nursery, i was really overwhelmed by the kids. i don't know why looking at them, somehow it brightens up my day. maybe because they represent hope =) it tells me that this world is still not as bad as i thought it to be. at least the kids haven't lose their innocence and when they lose it there will still be the next generation to bring hope.
the first kid who came in looks very dead. so one of us asked why he like that? then his mum say because his battery is flat. not enough rest. i think adults are also the same. there will also be times when our battery are flat. and when it happens we need to charge ourselves by resting. it also applies to our spiritual lives, if we feel down, our spiritual battery is running low. so we need to charge it by praying even more. our life is like a series of 100m sprints. after a 100m sprint we are tired so we rest. after we rest we run again. then we rest then we run again. this continues... and when we rest it doesn't mean we just don't do anything...

now is the time to charge my battery...

crazy jia

2006-06-21T01:12:00.000+08:00

i tink i'm really crazy. not right in my mind. fri i went changi stayover. mon i went there again. today i'm at yingx house. then wed i'm gg changi again. how many days i nv go home le. but i seriously can't study at home. and i think i really did quite alot. tho i didn't do my hw but i studied. but still i think it is not enuff. soo many things i didn't cover. really alot lei. hiaz. work is never ending. crap. all i know now is jia is really crazy.

ya. you seems to be doing fine. but i don't know. maybe you're just putting up a front. i don't know. i really don't. you all confuse me with what you all do and what you all refuse to do. crap. pure crap.

i like to place things at where it is not meant to be when things are wrong. maybe one day when i found it i will put it where it is suppose to be. cause right now i'm really confuse. everything just seems so fake.

it is not that ppl are insensitive. but just that you're insensitive towards others, but over-sensitive towards how others treat you when you've been insensitive...

holidays is coming to an end soon. summary, this holiday sucks! soo much happened. like really alot. and i don't know why. i hate all these. argh! crap!

i don't quite like myself now. who am i? who is this person sitting right in front of the screen typing all these? i don't know. i don't use to be like that. where am i? must it only through like that then i can.... ? why is that i can't just be me and still ...... ? i don't know.

i really really hope you will pick yourself up. cause it hurts me to see you like that... and there is nth i can do just to help you... i'm sorry...

i really want to get out of all these. teach me. guide me. i can't see the light right now... it is soo dark in here. who will come?

exhuasted

2006-06-19T12:01:00.000+08:00

what have i been doing? this is the hols. and i'm still soo freaking tired. i don't know. lack of sleep. dying. veri tired but just can't get to sleep. so i did alot of housework. even more tired. no more strength to do anything else le. i lie on my bed. close my eyes. i still can't sleep. and i feel even worse. rahhs!

24hours a day.
24 hours a day is not enough.
not enough for me to do the things i want.
not enough for me to meet the people i want to meet.
not enough for me to spend quality time with them.
not enough for me to study.
not enough for me to think.

sometimes i really wished that there is not only one me. but many many many me. then i can do many many many different things at the same time. meet many many many different people at the same time. spend time with them.

i hate! i hate the ego of guys! can't you all just put down your ego and pride? why do you all always have to put on a brave front. a mask.
but... never in my life have i seen such an ego guy who reacts this way. it gives me a feeling that he is insecure rite now. maybe he is. i don't know. =/

i have enough of your nonsense! stop it will you? is it my fault? it was never my responsibility in the first place. hello? i'm no superwoman can? you've got your life. i've got mine too. my life doesn't revolve around you 24/7. why is that you always have to expect soo much from me. then you give me nth. really nth. you say. you are tired. so am i! you say you are tired of only thinking for ppl but not yourself. i asked myself. are you speaking the truth? the answer obviously is a NO! like since when? i am always thinking for you. how many things i have given up just for you. can you pick yourself up? pls. you know your words. they are like knives. they cut. each time you say something like that it just cuts through my heart. and it really hurts. when you going to stop?

one is not enough. now there is two. what is just the problem? this is not the way. can you all don't come back home like that. what makese me wanna stay out of this place call home is the both of you. i'm going really crazy.

my heart is like a piece of glass. it breaks easily. each time it breaks. it takes a long time to mend it back. when it is mend. there are alr many scars on it... so many. then it breaks again. each time it gets harded to mend. the broken pieces gets smaller.

i promise i'll pick myself up. i will. all these are not permanent. they will be over. and after it. i'll see the rainbow right there. it has been there all along. just that i can't see it now...
-teach me how to pick myself up cause i really want to.

MY 99TH POST!!!

2006-06-18T02:08:00.000+08:00

lol. it is my 99th post. hahas. wheeeeeeee! went changi to study on fri then all the way to sat morn! laughs! i tink i didn't really study alot. but it was good. hahas.and i really hate taking bus! especially the after effects of it. man! it was totally! -.-''' can. and ppl kept staring esp after i puked. =(
went home and i no motivation to go out. so ended up at the sofa. =X luckily when i woke up someone not at home. if not.... went for svc. sat w nah! =) happy. happy. ppl left early. so only left me n baobao. so tok and tok and tok. then went home w toot. hahas. it was soo funny on the train can. just cannot stop laughing. lol. fun. went home and chatted w my lao gong! hahas. we toked for abt 2hrs! been soo ong since i actually tok soo long on the phone.
recently my com has gone mad. not working well. maybe sick. i dno.

i saw her tdy. soo much things has happen. actually i have alr forgotten. till i saw her again. e feeling was no longer there.

i really hope all is doing fine. i really hope all will pick themselves up.

i realize smth. ppl may say they wan....... but when it really happens. i guess they might just.........

i try to convince myself tt actually we do have a choice. then i realize others have. but not us... but i really dun mind. but i worry. really worry.

ego! i hate it! =(

the pride of life.

sometimes if only one person is trying. it is not enough. the person also needs support. if only a person tries without support. he/she will die of exhuastion sooner or later...

sometimes you really will never know what the devil will do to your thought life. the devil will do his very best just to make you think negative. but it is a choice.
you can choose to be positive or negative. choose to be positive! =)

-I place all i have into your hands. i'm gg to stop asking why. and just trust. =)

dun understand

2006-06-16T01:59:00.000+08:00

i never understand certain things i guess...
i dun understand why did he have to behave like that? haiz. some things you think you can hide... but actually you can't cuz ppl ard can feel. no one and no secrets can hide forever...
i dun understand what is so fascinating abt soccer? it is so boring. only when the ball enters the net then it becomes interestin. however it is only for a while. but ppl screams and shout and scold the players or refrees and so on. so noisy. noise pollution la. =( wan to study oso cannot...
i dun understand why is that you have to say those things do those things. =(
i dunno la. so many more. too lazy to list them down...
i dun like all these feelings i have for all these.

went to catch silent hill. boo! waste my money. =( i rather not watch. not nice one. not scary de. someone still say he got fear for 4days after watching it -.-''

today is a good start. i sense it. yupps. =)
He is my lighthouse. i'm just going to trust and stop asking why. i promise i'll do my best to do whatever i can to..........

hmmmm. i'm thinking who should i give the disc to.... hahas. didn't expect to win de. =X

argh! you know that feeling? why is that so? is it really cause i...... but.... but cannot be. or maybe i didn't know that i.... but... but impossible.... then explain that feeling... i can't... i dunno la.i dun really like that feeling. =(

all that i hope now is that the change will really be for the better and that ...... will be fine. that is all i ask now...

maybe you don't believe. cause i don't believe it too. but i really did ... i don't know why. don't ask me.

see. i told you everyone is a liar. luckily i'm smart this time. i didn't believe.

i thot it was gg to be easy. how wrong. but nvm. i'm juz gg to go thru it. =)

i'm soo bored now. my mum and my bro is hogging on the tv. and they are soo excited over the match. but i'm soo .... cannot hi le la. hi too much today... they are making soo much noise i can't study. i guess the world is sleeping now ba. nobody tok to me. =( haiz. and the computer isn't interesting at all... for once my bro is soo interested in smth else other than the computer. surprise! lol. lame la. i dun care la. i tink i'm juz gg to blast the music and study. =X

i hope you are going to be fine... =) -ilu

the feeling of putting a smile on your face when you're not really feeling that good is really tiring...

hate this world

2006-06-15T15:53:00.000+08:00

i hate this world! i really hate it! everyone is a big fat liar! what's up?! everyone is so disappointing! like crap! argh! this world just sucks! doesn't it?

i will never ever take the first step again. what is the point? whether did i take it or not things remained the same. why do i even try in the first place? it doesn't works. they say if you wan things to happen u make it happen. ya. i did try to make it happen but it didn't work.

why is that ppl can just shrink away from their responsibilities. how about me? can i just run away too?

why can't you just say? i hate all of you. each of you always leave me so lost and confused at the end of the day. i know ppl say the more you know the more troubled you're. but i beg to differ. the more troubled you're is when you only knows half the story. so you keep guessing what is the next half. all of you are being so unfair. i don't wanna guess and assume. cause i know not all my guesses and assumptions are correct. so i choose to ask. and no one wants to say. fine then! forget it!

ain't i having enough?

define right. wrong. fair. unfair. expectations. i dunno. wadeva la.

just not feeling soo good now... crap!

when i study half the time i'm not studying.my mind went on a ride. things i do. songs i listen to. places i go. it just keeps me thinking of it... rubbish rite.

nvm. to me everything ended at 1am yest. today is a new beginning. =)

complicated

2006-06-14T01:27:00.000+08:00

things are getting really complicated... i dunno wad am i suppose to do... haiz. wad's wrong? i really dunno...

i tink i'll wait. i'll wait for that day to come...

stop treating me like a kid will you all? i think it is so unfair. i don't think any thing will be correct and alright for us than...
anw, thank you for not treating me like a kid. thank you for trusting and believing me. thanks lots. =)

argh. stupid fever. soo on n off. was suppose to meet my darlingx to go back to eat ban mian de... but headache juz got to get worse... =( so i didn't go in the end... haiz. i missed my darlingx. love her. =)

and rite now cuz of my constant headaches. i've been sleeping alot. thus my body clock has gone crazy.... i kant sleep in the night at all. i only sleep like in the morn. therefore, i was late for chinese today. half hour can! but when i reached zhuang wasn't there yet. =( still gotta wait for her like half hour? ya. i got soo irritated by some ppl. argh! after chinese went to com lab to chill. yuppz. tink i see us in them. and i juz woke up not long. like 4hours ago? now i kant sleep. sheesh. crap rite. haiz. nvm. i shall study den. i'm going to be good...

haiz. so wad now? i really dunno how to choose or rather who to choose.

wad's wrong? thot everything was fine these past few days... so wad is the problem now? i'm getting sick n tired of all these...

she is right. i need to get back on my feet myself. perhaps she could also sense that things were not right with me. thus, she said those. i need to get my dreams and vision back for the school. i've been working. but working without a vision in my mind. perhaps this is why things are so wrong. i'm disappointed w myself. now is the time. i need to get everything right again. but then meanwhile it is still back to the root. if things are not right there how can things be right here? maybe she is right? this is an attack. a test. and when things like that do happen. it is not what is happening that is the most important but rather your relationship with God. how close you are to Him...

i tink each of us could sense it ba. juz that nobody was taking action about it. or we didn't know everything will turn out like now?
but what has happened has already happened.

what he wrote really make me think... =)

-hope is for the hopeless... sometimes when you feel hopeless, hope is the only thing you have left...

shopping!!!

2006-06-13T01:01:00.000+08:00

wheeeeeeee! i love shopping! hahas. dun intend to go out de. but got dragged out of the house by my mum when i have only studied for abt 1 hr only? =X so after my mum went to work. i went to look for yingx n millie. i'm so bad. i spent abt $90. i bought a jacket. a white top. and a racer-back top! e rest was on food. =X heh. wheeeeee. shopping makes my day! i love it! but i'm broke now... =( i shall eat air... =X

ahhhhhhhhh! i wan e tt one at giordano! it is so niceee! but it is soo ex... shall asked my mama to bring me dere... =X

-big disappointment
i've really learnt my lesson. u noe wad? i hate e feeling of betrayal... this is why i love to keep things to myself. cuz i dun like e feeling of losing tt trust. once lost forever gone. tho i dun show it on my face. cuz i've been thru it many times. so each time i juz remained indifferent. but within my heart it hurts. it really does. it juz makes me wonder. why did i even trust in e first place? how much it takes for me to juz say certain things. yet some ppl juz stepped on it like tt? why?

u noe wad? i'm so disappointed today. u choose. i'm in no position to say.

-i'm waiting
waiting for wad? i asked myself. a reply? an answer? a call? i dunno. tink i'm juz foolish. i think tt wad i do unto others ppl will oso do unto me... how wrong. i learnt. next time i shall not make the first move. i shall wait. cuz no matter i make the first move or not i gotta wait. just like a fool. cuz e waiting never ends. can i do it? i dunno. but i know even if i dun take the first step. others will. but tt person won't. so? wad's e difference? i dunno. but i juz dun like tis feeling... i've been waiting for veri long le. am i foolish? there is always this hope in me. but each day passes. it juz gets darker and darker. but it has never gone totally dark before.... is tis good or bad? but each time it juz hurts even more... really...

-numb or strong?
i dunno. i should be crying more... but recently, the tears stopped flowing. is this good or bad? have i really become soo numbed? or am i stronger?

i did smth really stupid a few days ago... i... i couldn't sleep... really... so i picked up e phone at 3am... and i dialed the number... it rings... i was hoping... hoping... hoping that person will picked up the call... but that person did not. i was really disappointed. but i guess i'm just stupid. call in the middle of the night. and still expect ppl to be awake. i'm crazy... but i've been thinking. if that person really did picked up... what will i do? will i say everything? or will i hang up the call? i don't know. cause that person didn't picked up the call... bleah...

you said i could ____ ___ ____ _ __ ____.... i did... but _____ ___ ___??? haiz.

those two kept appearing in my mind... but where???

sometimes i juz wished things could be a little simpler...

today is really a happy day. cuz i left everything aside till e end of e day... tho things are not solved but i'm happy. i shall keep myself busy frm now on! okay! i'm a good girl! i shall go study now... =)

i love my mum! she rocks! though she may be a little naggy at times =X i love her! no words expressed it... <3

drained

2006-06-11T18:05:00.000+08:00

yupps. i'm exhuasted. really dying. mentally. physically. i kant do it. if this is to happen every week. i tink my life will really be a disaster. amount of things i have to do. now is e school hols. and yet i'm still not having enuff rest. den when is enuff really enuff den? i wonder. or maybe i'm juz lousy at managing my time? i dunno. all i know is i'm drained now. and many many thots are juz overflowing...

what happen during e first three day of the week are still ringing in my mind. whatever i do juz linked my back to whatever was said. been tinking alot of what i should do. A or P? i dunno. argh! haiz. A seems very ordinary. P seems more interesting. but A seems to be more realistic for me... bleah.

dun let anyone tear your dreams away. cuz it belongs to you. no one else but you...

i asked myself many questions. really alot. honestly speaking. are we being fair? being fair to him? to her? to them? and e answer is NO! really. but many things is up to individual. tho ppl ard influences. nth more i can say.

do you know why i love babies and children? coz of their innocence. they are pure. they have not been corrupted by the world yet. but for me. i lost tt. i learnt it e hard way. who dun wish to be innocent? but e world out there doesn't allows tt. i fight to live. but yet i struggle. i struggle finding e purpose of my life. i fight soo hard to live and yet i want soo much to die. so what now?

is it alittle too much to expect tt of a 2yr old kid? u're being soo unfair to him. and i hate tis. stop e disappointment. can u? why is it tt u have to disappoint me everyday. cuz of it. my life everyday swings frm one extreme to e other. u noe wad i really feel like doing? i really juz feel like shutting myself up. so no one can hurt me. and i won't hurt. my heart is aching. is breaking. how much more can i bear? i dunno. =/

are you being fair to me? have u ever wonder why i do e things i do? cuz u hurt me first. i'm a simple person. if u do smth bad to me maybe i'll juz live w it or i'll get back. but if u're nice to be i'll be nice to u too. maybe u've hurt me n u dunno. den now u noe. am i really tt unworthy? i noe once tt trust been broken it can't be gained backed. how abt you? you broke my trust for you first. at least i'm willing to take tt first step. how much it takes for me to put down my pride and ego. to move. fine. i'll wait. maybe one day u'll be ready. i dun mind all these. let it be as it is now den if u wished. but i've let go. forgiven n forgotten.

accquaintances and frens? i moved. i wished to take it a step further. but u refused. no matter how much i tried. u juz refuse to move. so wad do u wan me to do. do u noe it hurts? nvm. i'll wait. but i juz wan u to noe. i'll be there.

hurting ppl was never my intentions.

i'm no superwoman or wonderwoman. there is only soo much i can do.

it is not tt i dun believe in fairytales. but i never believe it will happen to me. but only to ppl ard me.

is e world out there really tt tempting? i dno. y muz ppl use such a beautiful things in e wrong ways. it made me lost trust. love? wad is it? does it last? No!

wad he say. describes my situation. according to him. i'm e second type of person. and i've never really been happy. there are times i'm truly happy. but e saddness doesn't leave. i've a mask on me.

i'm sorry.

okay. enuff. i dun rmb wad more i wan to say le. lastly i juz wan to say. if u're unhappy w e things i wrote. den very simple. dun read it. i never force you. after you read keep your comments to urself. cuz i dun need them. and dun try to figure out who am i toking abt in tis entry. cuz there is so many of them. and before you do that ask yourself how much you know abt my life and my world. i hate assumptions. sorry if u feel offended. nth i can do.

adam khoo! =D

2006-06-08T17:41:00.000+08:00

wheeeeeee! tis is so cool! hahas i like!

1st day
veri boring. but veri funny. i kept falling asleep maybe due to e lack of sleep or i'm sick la. hais. our first trainer was gary. he is so funny can! den amin came in. hahas. his nickname is mina/amina. lol. he tok to us abt our brains. den he left and danny came! his nickname is nini or daddy or nanny. lol. he is soo soo funny can. once he tok we juz laugh! shudup! or smelly dunno wad! or what?! oh! and he like to say he is allergic to rubbish. hahas. hahas. time was passing so slowly. can't wait for 9 to come la. weird end.

2nd day
fun! fun! hahas. better than e first day. time passes so quickly. we didn't realize it was late. =) we learn alot. learnt abt life. abt being a human. abt appreciating. juz cried like baby. but when it came to e other half of tt. i stopped. my tears stopped flowing... i dunno y. i went home. waiting for her to come home so i could say e magic words. but i was soo tired i fell asleep. =(

3rd day
e last day! e night time. i teared. but halfway i really felt like leaving. but i didn't i stayed thru e end. e last day was as good. but i couldn't bring myself to .... y? am i soo heratless or maybe i've been feeling too much i dun feel anymore. numb by it. i couldn't sleep. i juz laid down on my bed and i stared.

argh! been feeling veri uncomforatble. kept having headache. have flu. have cough. boo! fever come n go! wad rubbish! rahhs!

expectations. y is it tt u always expect tis expect tt. den when i reached yours, you failed mine. each time i reached urs i failed my own. each time i reached urs i let someone down. each time i reached urs i disappoint someone. den when i've done those wrong things den u failed mine. when is enuff really enuff?

mask.
i'm not like tt. but environment made me like tt. wad can i say?

hmmm. suppose to be sewing now. but i'm stuck on e comp for a few hrs le. =( i dun wna return to school tmr... =( haiz.

wadeva

2006-06-05T01:02:00.000+08:00

okay. i'm super unhappy now. super irritated. i dun understand. tok abt it later. lets tok abt emerge!
man! it really rocks! i learnt alot! really! hahas. south cluster won!!! wheeeeeeee! spelling bee was pretty exciting. e little boy is so ke-ai! hahas. i'm sad. i missed talenttime tis yr. cuz i was veri veri late on sat. i missed everything except for half e word. i dun like sitting there =( boo! who ask me to be late. hmmm. i really want to start to serve soon. but i dun tink i'll be able to make it next week also =( haiz. dunno la. EMERGE was really great! =) my thinking is changed.

i'm really angry. i tink she is rite u're e one. u're e one who cut off everything. have u ever wondered how she felt? selfish. i dun like you. i noe things are different. i juz nv expect it to be so bad. i'm really really disappointed in u. i'm alr trying very hard to _______ ___ le. if u tink not enuff. too bad. i guess. i'm juz looking for trouble myself. finally __ ___ gg to ________ __ le. yet i still like tt. hmmm. guess it might be postponed ba. but act i dun really understand e first part.... wadeva.

tis is me. nobody noes e full story. only 1 noe half abt it. so wad makes u deserve to noe full? all things nobody noes full. somethings i choose not to say. respect it or make me lose e respect i have for you. i hate ppl who forces me.wadeva.
accountability? pls be alittle more polite. i dun tink there is a need.

i'm soo tired. deprived of sleep. argh! y is tt so? isn't now e holis? shouldn't i be resting? y does it seems tt i'm more busy? i wonder. wadeva.

argh! i really hate e change in you! wadeva.

i realize i found out quite alot of stuff. but i kept all to myself. cuz i noe all these are a little wrong. is tt y things are happening now? i dunno =/ but somehow i dun really like e feeling of finding out so many stuff. ignorance is bliss. oh wadeva.

omgosh! he is so sweet. haiz. but y is it tt he has to live w tt? argh! i miss him. if only i can see him everyday. my heart goes all out to him....

there is a price to pay for all these... i'm willing to pay. even if it means my life. i'll accept tt limp in my life. i'll walk w it but i'll still be strong. take all of me for all of you. i love you. you are my all.

easily irritated

2006-06-03T12:25:00.000+08:00

tis is me. for e past few days. easily irritated. easily agitated. if u're smart stay clear of me. i'm like danger. a bomb tt may juz explode anytime.i'm so tired. i tried. i tried so hard. i did so much. yet nth. only one thing n she is so excited. those things i had done. useless i suppose. since nth. haiz. i dunno how much longer i gotta wait. but i'm tired.

we broke down. yesh we did. u say nobody noes tt pain. how abt u? do u see my pain? u dun. nobody sees it. nobody see. for how many yrs. every night tears flow down. only when i'm soo happy tt tears dun flow or i'm too immune to it. or when i'm really tired. haiz.

i need to learn

2006-06-02T03:52:00.000+08:00

this is my 90th post after i deleted everything. =) so fast. hahas. okay. i'm lame. all was well till some stupid ppl come irritate me again! argh! i'll really love to know what have i done to deserve all these?!

i guess i shouldn't say. but i respect e fact tt __ __ _ ______. tt is why i did wad i did. however it doesn't seems to help alot.

EMERGE was totally exciting! hahas. actually tis is my 2nd time attending EMERGE however. dun have much impression on e last yr one. cuz i only went for like one session? and all i rmb was tt it was veri crowded. hahas. i've got short term memory. =X today was totally great! wheeeeeee! e pos was good. act some were weird. hahas. overall it is still nice la =) i'm excited for tmr morn session. tho i'm gg do smth veri wrong. but i dun wna miss e chance to go w my qingaide. den can shun bian pass her her reward. =)

haiz. i'm so heavy. i guess we are so similar. we seek e same thing. seriously. i dun really understand all these. cuz i've never been thru it. and i promised myself i won't go into it. i won't tink of it. i juz lost trust in tis kinda thing. yepps. i really do pray and hope hard tt it will be over soon. cuz i feel it pulling me down. i noe it is not good. i juz gotta learn how to handle things tt is happening in my life. my problems. my circumstances. i'm going to solve them. i'm going to conquer them. and yesh! i will do it!

another thing i probably need to learn how to let go and forgive. i wasn't tt angry till tis morn. like argh! fine! forget it! or maybe i should juz leave it aside n not touch it. i dunno =/

WHEN MY WORLD WAS IN DARKNESS
YOU SPOKE YOUR WORD
NIGHT TURNED INTO DAY
YOUR BEAUTY FILLED THIS PLACE
WHEN MY WORLD STOOD IN SILENCE
YOU FILLED MY HEART
WITH SONGS THAT NEVER END
FOREVER I WILL PRAISE

TO THINK THAT THE UNIVERSE
COULD NOT WITHHOLD YOUR GLORY
YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE IN ME
I'M SO AMAZED

(AND) I WORSHIP YOU LORD
MY LIFE IN YOU RESTORED
HERE IS MY HEART
MAKE IT YOUR SANCTUARY
FOR NOBODY ELSE BUT JESUS ONLY (YOU)

YOU ARE FAITHFUL AND TRUE
GLORIOUS LORD
ALL MY LIFE
IT IS YOU I ADORE
YOU'VE TOUCHED MY SOUL
COMPLETED MY WORLD
I SURRENDER TO YOU

never have i been so insulted before!

2006-05-31T17:44:00.000+08:00

boo! it wasn't easy for me juz to like get out of my bad mood. n some ppl juz gotta come n pissed me off! like wth! crap.

Sat
svc was really good. i gotta take up responsibility. had a tok w her. i felt better. but i felt her heaviness. i guess she muz be really disappointed in tt person. nth more to say. she muz be devasted. all e best to her. but i was pretty angry. argh. i could have spent more time w her. i missed her.

Sun
went for svc. but darlingx didn't come. her mama dun allow =( den went to meet ivory den go for cgm tgt. =) a pretty boring game. but it was funny. hahas. den after tt went to send my darlingx off so i could pass her e thing i made for her =) e bus seems to take forever to reach e airport. hmmm. i dun really like taking buses. =( i wanted to go T2 so i asked e driver does e bus reach T1 or 2 first. he answered he dunno. he is too used to driving e bus. he dun rmb. =/ den when i reached T1 he told me it is T2 and asked me to alight... =( like wad rubbish la. and e worst is my hp went flat. boo! =( nvm. i finally met my darlingx! =) but sorry. i left only after awhile cuz she called. but in e end it was nth. haiz. i like today. but i got alittle too emotional on e bus. guess tt is us ba. tt is e way we are. =) but i'm glad.

Mon
had my chinese Os tink it is pretty easy. =) i see my A. not tt far. =D went out w fang n cyy after tt. we went to cwp to watch da vinci code. =) hmmmm. a not very nice show. =( yepps. den met someone to return e books i confiscated =X heh. had dinner. met wen n her frens. den trained home. =)

Tues
fever came. didn't go school. fever went away fast too. lets hope it doesn't come back again. my fever is like on n off. rubbish la! hais. decided to go exercise. so i went cycling w nah! hahas. wheeeeeeee. we had lotsa fun. we seems to have endless things to talk abt. =) anw, i saw 4 police cars, 1 fire engine and 1 ambulance. nah was like saying we muz be some ghost who had met w an accident. but we dunno we met w an accident and had alr died. and still like playing around. lol. had a tiring and fun day. =D disappointed once again. can u at least show me tt i didn't made e wrong decision??? =(

Today!
was late for sch. abt 15mins. act i thot lesson starts at 7.45 and ends at 8.30. den i realize lesson starts at 7.30 and ends at 8.45. hahas. ben. english was totally crap. we did nth. juz kept talking. and went to e lib. den i massage jingyu. hahas. poor thing. she got muscle aches frm her training. after eng we went off. cuz Mr Tan not here. means no lesson. =) we went to macs intending to have breakfast. den some things happened!
FREAK! I WAS SO DAMN ANGRY! LIKE WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! DID I DO ANYTHING TO U IN E FIRST PLACE?! HELLO?! HELL FREAKING NO! U STARTED EVERYTHING! JUST MY LUCK TO GET TO KNOW PPL LIKE YOU! I REALLY REGRET TREATING YOU AS A FRIEND! LIKE EXCUSE ME?! CARE TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAVE I DONE? STUPID WOMAN! SHIT HER LA! NEVER MET SUCH UNCIVILISED PPL! PUSH PPL FIRST! STILL DARE SAY I HIT HER! DEN COME SLAPPED ME! DEN THREW E CHAIR AT ME! DEN WALKED AWAY! COWARD! RUN UPON HEARING SOMEONE IS GG TO MAKE A POLICE REPORT! BIG FAT COWARD! NEVER DARE TO DO ANYTHING TO ME! ONLY DARE TO ASK PPL COME SAY TIS SAY TT. DEN NOT HAPPY HIT PPL! HOOLIGANS! FREAKING HATE TIS KINDA PPL! IF U DARE! DUN ASK PPL TO COME! TOK TO ME URSELF! WILL I BE SCARED OF TIS KINDA PPL?! NO! INSIDE OF ME IS ONLY FILLED W ANGER! I NEVER TOOK INTO HEART WAD U DID IN E PAST. CUZ ITS OVER. I FORGIVEN. U COME DO TIS KINDA THING TO ME?! I DUN EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY U DID THOSE IN E PAST! ALL I COULD SAY IS JUST MY LUCK TO GET TO KNOW U! AND I REALLY REGRET! ARGH! SHE IS A BITCH!
okay. i feel so vulgar! i so feel like cursing and swearing la! like wth! i did nth okay! get tis clear nth! man! she is lucky. if it happened like nt today but one or two year back. i probably won't let it go so easily! argh! i feel so argh! got slapped by some bitch tt i dunno! argh! i dunno =/ didn't wanted to do anything at first. was juz gg to let it go. but i couldn't contain my anger. yepps. if she didn't come to irritate me first. i probably won't snap! been so long since i actually blew such a big temper.
anw thank you jingyu peiqi joanne cyy n shuyu for juz being there to make me feel better. =)
after tt we continue w our breakfast plan. had hotcakes =P den after tt cyy joanne n peiqi came to my hze to watch i not stupid2. i like tt show. even though it i e second time i watched it. still very nice. but i seriously dunno y. tt guy juz reminds me of him. i hope he is doing well. we lost tt connection. n i dun tink it is really possible to connect again. =( cyy left halfway. we continue to watch the island. pretty nice show. =) i like. but today is e most insulting day. haiz. 4get it. i wil learn to forgive n forget. anw i dun feel so angry le. i juz pity her. it is pretty sad tt she is leading her life tis way. moreover she was once my fren... but now no longer....

i guess they dun understand colours...

pure crap

2006-05-27T01:34:00.000+08:00

argh! y is ppl asking me to give in? like am i e one? excuse me. he didn't even like ask? n still give me attitude? veri well. give some veri good reasons why i should do wad u say? dun give those shit like cuz i'm ..... tt doesn't means i have to give in. like wad is tis la? crazy ppl. i'm having enough of tis attitude. pls show some respect to urself n ppl ard u... get some life.

and you. y? y is it always you? can u tell me why? at first when she said all those things. i rebuked her n say u won't. i believe in you. but you juz prove urself to be so unworthy... tis is not e first time le. i wonder why am i so dumb as to believe in wadeva u say. gurl. tis is not e way. i noe how u're feeling now. but seriously tis is not e way. got sense ah? haiz. -disappointed

disappointment seems to happen everyday... i juz kant seem to get myself out of tis depressing mood. argh. tis is frustrating...

-i'm craving for chocolate n lolipop now.... anyone?

rain...

2006-05-26T12:43:00.000+08:00

i like e rain. i like to be in e rain. to hear e sound of e raindrops falling. to see it falling. to have it to cover my tears.... most impt is cuz i noe there will be a rainbow after it.... =)

hahas. me n cyy was caught in e big rain yest. and we were drenched can. lol. speeling bee semis was yest.... hmmm. i didn't get in.quite sad... hahas. but nvm. =) many intresting things happen. lol. i was freezing can. juz got wet and i went into e aircon... brrrrr. after tt went to look for my darlingx. hahas. but i forgot to bring wad i wan to give her... hahas. nvm shall pass to her on sun... hahas. den went home.
suppose to watch movie today de... but.... hais.... forget it.... so decided to go lib. but cyy pangseh me. =( shall stay at home.... my junior cheat my feelings... she say wan come one den now she say dun wan... =(

tink u really overreacted....

i'm looking forward to tmr... =)

bad mood. guess i'm not e only one....
-if only everything can be over really soon.

upside down

2006-05-25T23:56:00.000+08:00

nth is gg quite right now... haiz. i dunno la. been disconnected for quite long le. ya. we used to understand... but now? i really dunno. one person cannot have e whole world. maybe i'm asking for too much? i realize it is either..... or ..... can things juz start all over again? i'm really afraid of losing ...... guess it doesn't matters to ....... ba. haiz.

juz how much do u really noe abt me? to come to tt conclusion? u dunno much. wad u noe can never get u to e real ans...

i'm disappointed w u. how could u do tis. i juz felt tt in e first u weren't even ready. u made such a big mistake.

i guess nth i do now will help much ba... no matter how hard i try. nth seems to work. but i really dun wna let go...

wasn't tt enuff? y muz u add more?

i juz really pray hard and hope tt it is not cuz of... u made tt decision. but i still tink u're irresponsible.

can everything juz be erased? tis is a nightmare. how wish it will really be juz a dream. juz a sleep everyhing will return back to normal.

-if only i could close my eyes and fall into an eternal sleep...

freaking ppl!

2006-05-24T22:50:00.000+08:00

stupid idiotic ppl. i hate tis!

Tue
went for e emerge pm tho i was feeling veri uncomfortable. but was really glad tt i went. pm was really good. it is e ppl.
hais. i used to really hate ppl listening to mp3 on e train or wad. i dun like it. u isolate urself frm e world. bu t now i guess i rather be in my little world. i'm too tired to care abt anything else anymore. everything is too much. why does everyting comes all at a time??? i'm soo overloaded rite now... y is e stars n e moon not out tonite???

Wed
went for bs. yupps. bs was also good. but i'm not feeling so good. been feeling really uneasy these few days. i juz kant settle myself down. kept having headaches. and they are really terrible. they always come when i'm doing my work. ur randomness is killing me. wad do u wan? u're so disappointing. kant u be alittle stronger? not for anyone but urself. every word u say every thing u do is breaking my heart... i guess i might juz go crazy over this. argh! freak!
i hate guys! if u're a guy be smart get away frm me! i hate you! freak! wad's ur d*** f****** problem! wth. i feel so damn vulgar now! freak! stop it! stop ruining my day. ruining my mood! stop being so selfish? wad's e hell wrong w u! go and die la! argh! rahh! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! freak! get lost!!!! bullshit! rahhhhhhhhhhhhhhs! ahhhhhhh!

i'm so tired. when will all these stop? have you ever had e thot death in ur mind almost every minute? when i'm walking by e roadside. seeing cars driving pass me. at moment i was tinking if only i'm rite in front of e car rite now. i have never felt so terrible as now. stop pushing me. i'm breaking down. wad's worst is not tis! my chinese O's is coming and i kant get myself to concentrate. everything i do. i kant do it properly! tis is driving me nuts!

i hate going home! argh! wad's wrong w u? u dunno me. no u dun. so dun act as if u do. boo!

juz go away will u???

argh! i hate e toilet!

2006-05-23T11:30:00.000+08:00

boo! i really hate e toilet! argh! so much has happen within a few days. i'm dying.

Fri
mich came to my hze after school to do work. hahas. but we ended up being veri unproductive.... plus someone came and disrupted our work. hahas. oh! and there was tis irritating dog at my hze! i hate him! argh!

Sat
woke up real early but i was still late. met fang n her classmates n mich at macs. den we had breakfast before heading down to RELC for lit seminar. king henry was ok. but jlc was totally a waste of time. n money! =( after e seminar we rushdown to admiralty for make-up cell. before tt we went to visit our cg. =) make-up was good. after tt went to stadium to study w cyy. nah n betty n adam was there to jog. we headed back home after tt......
hais. things started. freak! i hate tis! i expected it but not so fast. only 10months? hais. inside of me. was so much saddness n anger n disappointment. somehow she reminded me of her. both of them are so similar. even e story. however wad they are seeking are not eternal. each time it will only be temp. e 3 of us we went thru almost e same thing. yet i'm diff. perhaps i hav a diff mentality. but i hate it. rahhs!
guys sucks! i hate them. women no need to depend on man. we can be independent. they hell freaking screwed my life up! argh! i feel so vulgar now. i shall control.
-so much within a night....
my heart was cold den it wasn't den it was again......

Sun
woke up early for svc. had a tiring night. met kezia and we were waiting for wen at amk mrt station. den..... no elaboration. we finally boarded e train. we were pretty late. svc was really good. yupps. veri good. =) den we went to changi to makan. we had jokes. lol. funny. den they went for pm n i went home....
freak! had a really big fight w her! wad's wrong w her? ahhhhhhh! how can she do tis? argh! i restrained myself le k. if not who knows wad might come out of me. i was boiling la! freak! freak!
i'm soo tired... it is not tt we dun love. but our inability to express produces misunderstanding. i hate tis. i was like a watertap. =(
u said ya i did change but is for e worst. i say tt is cuz u dunno me. are u sure u noe who am i? how was i like in e past? and wad is e diff w me now? all these u dunno. u dun see e pain u dun see my tears. my heart turned cold again....

Mon
school. =) but was feeling very uneasy e whole day. had headache. hais. then my compo i anyhow write. i guess she will be disappointed w wad i wrote. cuz i could have done much better. however, i juz kant concentrate. e pain is killing me. =(

Tues.
argh! i hate e toilet! freak! yes. i got it again. boo! =( rahhs! rahhs! rahhs! i'm simply going crazy as each day passes.
how long is it gg to last. i cannot handle. her random msg. i t breaks my heart.
no words describe how i feel now.

have i really been strong? no. u dunno me. how many times in my life i was holding a pen knife. yet i lacked e courage. i tried to paint a picture on my wrist yet there was no colour. how many times i was standing by e window w a chair beside me. still i lack e courage. if only i could end everything w death. i will do it. but i noe it is not a solution but another problem. if only i could run away frm all these. i feel so alone now. so lost.

love? u tell me wad is it? smth tt doesn't last. smth tt only hurts. i'm too afraid to love anymore... i'm disappointed. i hate it! is there really true love? for every couple. there is 3 phase. e 1st is e honeymoon. in their eyes the person they see are perfect. their love turns every weaknesses into strengths. den e 2nd. after sometime e love starts to fade off. they start to see each another's weaknesses. den e last. strengths also become weaknesses. they no longer love each other. i promised myself. i'll never go into a relationship! i had never been in one anw.

-i'm exhuasted, leave me alone...

i dunno wad have i done...

2006-05-18T19:05:00.000+08:00

wah. so many days nv come online le. almost a week le ba. =( been really tired. phew.

Fri
went for svc =D it was really good. pst was talking abt prayer!

Sat -celebration of mother's day-
my family celebrated mother's day. all e mothers came and we had fun n lunch. finally i saw my precious! =D hahas. he's so cute! love him lots man! den after tt rushed down for svc. almost couldn't make it. =( den we went bedok to eat. hahas. we got soo hi! lol. den trained home =( all guys. only i girl. =( but nvm. =) hahas. den ben ben me hit e back of my head like 3 times within a few hours?! so rubbish loh.

Sun - i was extremly happy!-
i met my darlingx!!!! ahhh! really hao xiang ta! ai si ta le! hehex. we went bedok makan tgt. den pei my darlingx trained home! =D i love her!
i 'm willing to bear all these. cuz i love you. and i juz wan u to noe. it is okay for me to.....

Mon -e toilet was my bedroom =( -
sobbx. woke up in e morn w a diarrhoea. =( i felt so terrible. went to e doc in e afternoon. e doc abit helpful loh. he say is either i ate smth wrong or stomach flu. so wad is it? i oso dno. eeyer. i dun like to eat medicine. so yucky. boo! =( toke on e phone for like 2hrs?! hahas. been soo long since i tok for soo long le. heh.
gosh! wad have i done? y didn't i stop dere? now dere is 2 person. in tis world prob is only tt 2. eh actually no. got like a few who know 1/4. however they were not worthy. but act ppl who knows 1/2 is cuz they pressed in. but ppl who noe 1/4 is i zi ji say one. so ben! =( but rite now... i dno how to face it. everything will be so awkward =/ argh! i hate tis. i regret! i shouldn't have been so open. now i feel weird. and i hate tis feeling.
Tues -disappointed-
argh! not a very good day. hais. wad can i say? i dno. boo! i thot i knew. i was wrong. is it really tt hard? do u noe when u share ur sorrows it is halved and when u share ur joy it is doubled. i dun wna juz share ur joy but oso ur sorrows. i'm willing to carry half ur burden. muz u be like tt? i love you. i love 4 ppl e most in tis world. and cuz i love them i'm willing.... do u noe e definition of love? it means sacrificing my best to let u move forward. and yes. im willing. if only u dun reject me. but of cuz i dun only love 4 la. hahas. hais. took my chinese oral tdy. wah tt teacher ah. box him lei! =( heh. tink i did quite well overall =) and i received my math paper! i'm happy. even if i'm disappointed it is not gg to pull me down. =)

Wed -mission impossible III-
in e morn was total pure crap! i shall not elaborate.=( chem test was quite ok actually. =) den met nah and went for bs at ymca. =) den was movie w tanya jillian sarah yum jer. hahas. nice movie. but i dun like e person sitting beside me. =( noisy. hahas. i'm mean? =X heh. okay den awkward. hais. =(

Thurs -my attitude sucks-
was quite early for school i muz say. been so long since i actually get to reach before 7.15am. heh. got back bio! boo! lousy! =( dun like bio! things i study nv come out, things i nv study all came out! =( i realize tdy is e first time i actually had a meal w shuyu lei. hahas. okay. i'm lame. i thot not suppose to have cca one? but got! argh! i hate my cca. seriously speaking. i used to like it alot. really alot. i mean not like but love! i was in love w it. but den.... hais. forget it.
i noe my attitude juz sucks. but i dunno. i'm so tired. i try or dun try it is e same. so muz as well dun try rite? hais. crap la. e fire is alr out. i lost tt fire tt passion. no longer can u find it on me anymore. i do miss it. but i kant find it back. i hope ppl w passion n fire will take it.

prove me wrong let me juz trust once again. show me tt promise are meant to be kept n not broken.

i tink i'm falling deep. real deep. i realize it is veri complicating. it involves many many ppl n things. hais. stupid me. who ask me to fall into it?

repentance? repent w heart tt are broken. now i noe y. y is it lik tt....

i have been strong? i'm amazing? i can afford a higher self-esteem? are these true? lol. i dno.

-it is you i go to when i'm tired, when i'm weak. and you provide. you're e source of my everything. i adore you.-

joy?

2006-05-12T12:33:00.000+08:00

wadeva! wad's wrong w u la? if u doubt my ans, y do u even bother to ask in e first place? wadeva! rahhs! i hate all these! wad's wrong w u?! wad's those things?! wad's wrong w me recently? =(

i'm sorry. i dun mean it. i noe wad u can do n not do. but i guess i'm juz over-reacting. i'm sorry tt i juz worry n neglected ur feelings. dui bu qi.

where is it? where is e joy i use to have? now i juz feel so tired. not knowing where to go.can i juz run? juz run away frm everything. i hate putting a smile on my face even when i'm not really feeling happy. its tiring. =(

i dun like xian zai de wo! tao yan si le! =(

similar yet so different. yes. we are. where are we heading? diff directions?

watched big fat liar during cca yest! it is a nice show. nice. =) after cca pei huei minn go cut her hair. tink e uncle quite terrible. yes. den we went to eat. i ate wasabi peas! hahas. i like! but vey hot. den walk walk. tried to take a bus home. i went up e bus 855 and asked e uncle if got go amk. cuz i veri long neh take e bus le. den e uncle! super irritating! he say dun have. den he kept like driving e bus forward. like hen bu nai fan. si i got down e bus and took another bus. but tt bus so far frm my hze. it stopped at e lib dere. den i decided i should walk home. i guess. i juz needed some quiet time alone. many ppl was riding bicycle. i was so tempted. but i shall not. since i alr said tt i won't. can sub cycling w walking. but walking is w/o e fun e excitement e breeze. n walking doesn't help to release all my frustrations. rahhs!

i kant see myself now....

i totally hate myself today!!

2006-05-10T22:14:00.000+08:00

dun ask me y?! i long to noe e ans too! i'm sucha useless person! i hate myself! i soo soo hate myself! argh! i hate gastric!

i hate crying! all those tears juz wun stop flowing... they won't stop... y won't they stop? y won't they? y?

everything is only on e surface... u may be smiling and laughing but in yours eyes i see sadness. behind me i caught u tearing. wad's wrong? y kant we juz leave e past?! y is it still haunting us? it have been 8 long years. freaking 8 years! man! i totally hate tis! y muz u owaes ask me tt kinda qn? y muz u owaes doubt my ans? i'm tired. seriously. i'm. if only i could leave tis world now. so much is weighing down. i dunno wad to do! wad is right?! wad is wrong?! can i juz live my life w/o doing anything? w/o carrying any responsibility?

y kant we juz turned back e clock?! and prevent everything frm happening? i miss e times we had. if only we are not like tt now...

i been keeping too much. keeping too much in my mind, in my heart. i need to release but... nobody is here. i been trying too hard. trying to keep up w myself, trying to keep up w u.

i really wna do all those things. i really want. but i'm really tired. really tired. i hate myself for being soo tired.

where are u? i need u...

burned out-

too much weighing.

2006-05-09T20:23:00.000+08:00

sometimes i really cannot understand myself... i can be so engrossed in thinking abt smth tt i'm oblivious to e surroundings. but once i snapped back to reality i forgot wad i was tinking abt a min ago. is tis gd or bad? y does it seems tt things i wan to rmb i juz kant seems to rmb it very well. things i dun wna rmb juz kept reappearing in my mind... i dun really like the feeling of this... been quite busy...

Fri
the adam khoo's workshop is good. i tink he is really a powerful speaker! if only i can speak like him one day, w such..... i guess tt day may not come. after that i saw a rainbow! it was really beautiful! i love it. not cuz.... but of a story... a beautiful story. u noe wad does it represent? rainbow=God's promises. =) i love the rainbows. actually i love the sky. the clouds. the stars. the moon. the sun. today sch ended early. really early. they locked all e classroom la! and my bag was in class! like wad rubbish! den tt irritating teacher keopt shouting at me n cyy! wah! i was soo pissed can! i almost climb into e classroom! but she was staring hard at us! finally we managed to open e door n get our bags n ran out. hahas. quite funny actually. after tt we went ikea to eat n shop! ahhh! i saw Yeye! wheee. i missed her! =) den after tt we went to orchard to get smth. hahas. den we went to e rally at seragoon. hmmm. supposed to be there listening to it. but somehow we ended up toking... hahas. it was alot of ppl can! den we saw one super funny guy! he has yellow hair. he wore a yellow shirt. yellow shorts. yellow shoes. yellow socks. yellow belt! and he has a yellow watch! wah! damn funny! den after tt we went to makan. den we waited for tt stupid bus for abt an hour?! hahas. me n toot refused to take a cab after waiting for soo long. hahas. n tt matt abit not ask toot to ask e bus driver smth and get toot scolded by e driver la. lol.
-i did smth wrong. hais. i'm sorry-

Sat
woke up early. went to ps get smth. den pei en take train den take to expo. met toot n matt den we went in for bs. abit not last lesson n got quiz la. hais. didn't tudy much. tink i'll pass. =) den after tt was svc. hmmm. den..... it is a complicated world...
went home was soo exhuasted i slept. for abt 3 hours?! at 3am? i slept soo much! boo! only intended to sleep like 1? sobbx.

Sun
studied all e way to morn den went for svc. tink sun svc was better. den we went down for cgm. hmmm. den we went to see doggy, Brazil. k. e dog is cute la. but i dun like dogs. esp dogs tt licks. okay! which dog doesn't? lol. rubbish la. den went to makan. was really hungry but really chi bu xia de gan jue. i felt so full! den went to ps to celebrate Jingyu's birthday!!! =) hahas. HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY!!!! =D okay it was suppose to be a surprise. but she dun looked surprised... hahas. nvm. hope she had a great birthday! =D

Mon
i abit not fell asleep at 6am n kept snoozing e alarm to 7 plus? despite e fact tt i ran all e way. i was still late... =( boo! hais. got nth to say abt bio la. okay. i was soo freaking tired. did my work in sch before gg home cuz i noe i'll sleep. i slept and the phone juz kept ringing and ringing. =( woke up and did abit of work and slept again! =)

today is happy and yet not so happy... i was looking at e clouds frm e canteen. i tink it is really nice. really nice. but e dark clouds seems really heavy juz like me. but in between i saw a light... =D

responsibility? i dunno.

upset+ disappointed = me
i'm not any person. but i'm someone who u can lean on. i noe u're strong. u dun need to depend on anyone. but... kant u juz treat me differently. in front of me there is no need. i'll carry u if u're tired. i'll hold ur hands if u're lost. i love you. but how abt u? am i juz an acquaintance? juz who am i to u? juz where do i stand?
she is hiding under a mask... stop hiding under it... come out. but she realize she kant. maybe she's been hiding under it for too long now she kant seem to find herself...

i've been trying to let go too much. i've been trying to hold on for too much n long... how much longer? i dunno. but i noe its coming soon. i'll continue. =)

i dun wna go my way but Yours... it is You i seek.

-i want to know e one who hold my hand in tis race tt i run...-

it is not abt tt...

2006-05-07T05:22:00.000+08:00

haix. y kant u understand? it is not abt pleasing me or wad. i got no comments. all i can say is i'm really disappointed.

responsibility? haix.

i'm trying to grab any chance. tis didn't come easy. i dun wna lose tis connection. i noe i'm very.... but i dun wna lose it...

wad's wrong w u?! get some sense! crap!

rahhs! stop blaming me for not having time for..... it is not as if i wanted everything to fall on tt day. u are responsible for wad is happening. dash my hopes and dreams. wad can i say? it is ur choice. but i kant believe tt i was actually so stupid.

studying bio till i dying le la. haix. update more another day ba... shall continue to study. 5 FREAKING CHAPTERS!!!!

i do my best...

2006-05-05T02:25:00.000+08:00

phew! chinese prelims is over... tink it was quite okay... =)

these past few days was really =))) k except for tdy... i dno wad came onto me. =(

Tues
gg to re-run our 2.4km next week. had our five items. boo! as usual i failed standing board jump! =( it is always tis thing tt hai wo cannot get a gold... =( boo! rahhs! can u imagine? i actually only got a 140?! like crap! but e second time i passed. ya. by 1cm. like wad rubbish?! Thank God my bdae not over yet. so i'm considered 15 not 16. if not it is a fail. hahas. and jocelyn so mean. when i told her i fail standing board jump. she say nvm she also fail. den i say i got 140 lei. and she said i didn't noe hui you ren bi wo gen lan... =( mean pok! den after 5items went to e canteen t eat. waited and waited for en they all. wait till cyy and me dun wna wait we eat first. hahas. veri funny. chilli. den went home. =))) okay! u noe wad?! i'm really excited! i mean really! i can sense their excitement! k. maybe not all... but most of them! and it really juz excites me even more when i see them so excited! she juz reminded me when i first came... =) and i like tis spirit! tis is it man! hahas.

Wed
dun really rmb wad happened. only rmb after sch went to pan's class tok for awhile =) den cyy came to my hze. we watched i not stupid2. wah! it is really nice! super nice! =D if only i was alone... den i'll cry and cry and cry... anw. tt guy reminded me of 2 person... hmmm. i wonder how are they now??? -moments spent tgt are missed- =P den we went back to sch for night study... k. quite productive. hmph. en and cyy abandon me la! =(
i thot i got everything over. how wrong i was. how wrong. it was dere all along.

Thurs
morn was almost late. hais. zhen shi de. had our chinese prelims. thanks! ppl for e msgs. =) hmmm. den had lessons. den was cca! i was super pissed can?! wah! crazy! i dno wad to do la. y is it tt it is like tt? e children are cute and they really do brighten up my day. but not today. i tink he deserve a better mentor den me. i juz kant teach! boo! hurrs. i'm soo upset tt i really juz wna cry. i dno wad to do. ahhh! freakk! plus e teachers are really pissing me off. okay. eveything juz pissed me off today. pure crap! i hate it when i'm stressed and i kant do a single thing rite! went home and slept. was soo soo tired. slept till 12am. hahas. den here i am.
act i seriously tink i shouldn't be here. i should be mugging. but i dun care. however i was really so stressed and tired tt i dun even feel happy when my mum blessed me. all e frustrations are overflowing within me. but it will stop tdy.

each time juz as i open my door. they closed it. when i closed my door. they kept knocking on it. where are you? haix.

i'm really amazed at e energy i have. seriously i tink i'm dying. its a miracle tt i could hold out for tt long. =) for i noe i lean not on my strength but His! ~I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!!!~ =D

wheeee! i feel so blessed! Thank God! =D

i'll do my best! yes! i believe! revival had begun!

holding on...

2006-05-01T22:24:00.000+08:00

wah. really tired tis few days... svc on sat and sun was really good... i'm blessed! =)
yepps. guees it is really time for me to get out of my unbalanced lifestyle before things goes really wrong as things is already wrong... i going at a pace tt i kant even catch up w myself... i'm gonna change! =)

SAT!
was really upset in e morn cuz i thot i might get to see my nephew... but due to some really selfish ppl... i didn't... but... den i was really happy in e afternoon! cuz i saw him! hahas. stupid rite?! tho it is only for tt short period of time... juz half hour. i'm happy. he is soo sweet! e first thing he came to my hze he saw me he shouted for me! den he ran towards me to hug me!!! ahhh! i'm crazy over him! he is soo cute! man! i juz love him soo much! soo much! hahas. but due to my over-excitement! i left e hze w my sis slippers which was extra small... when i walked towards e bustop i was tinking how come my slippers shrink ah. den i took it out and realized tt it was my sis one! =X so i was late for bs... but thank God i was still able to get in... hahas. den after bs is svc =) den after svc we went tamp to makan. we ate short john. hahas. hmmm. den i went back to expo... den went home. i was super freaked out! i stepped on a rat!!! eeeeks!!! but tt rat didn't die la. i was soo disgusted! i started to itch all over!!! yucks! i.... i.... no words express tt feeling can! super....! eeeyer! den e next thing was i got scared but a stupid black cat! hide at e corner! den sudd ran out! wah! i was freaked out can! i thot it was another rat la! =( did some work. and he abit not smart only la. abit not nv give title... i searched for tt thing for one whole hour can?! hahas.

SUN
haix. can i say. why am i not surprised? hahas. i kinda know it. but dun care. cuz.... met shu qing in e morn. hahas. she veri ke ai lei. told her we meet at last cabin she went to e first. not veri late for svc la. but okay. svc was really gd... yupps. den after svc rushed down for cgm. hahas. FLY there. laughs. den after almost everyone rushed off for pos... =( but nvm. we ate ice-cream... hahas. den was planning. yeeps. she's right. but it is not tt i dun wan. i wan it. but i'm scared. i noe her reason. but den again y me? dere is still another person. i tink she will do soo much better than me. really. went home and died. hahas.
-faith?-

MON (today!!!)
went down for 100m. hahas. almost fell when i ran. lol. weird. but nvm. i finshed it =) yay! hahas. den was helping out to distribute e drinks. hahas. super hot! nah's "jiayou" sound so weird. and tt "ni ke yi de" hahas. hmmm. act e drinks was quite disgusting... i mean cuz we recycled e cups lei... yucks rite. hahas. i thot so too.. but not enuff e cups one ma. den after everything ended went to bedok's macs. ate. den went tamp to shop shop! hahas. i love shopping! but was really tired. den trained home...

wad's wrong? hais.

when i noe abt it dere is tis sudd feeling in me. i dun like it. i decided i'm gg to do it. tis is not smth i can... but... act tis is not e first time le. but each time as e day approaches i'll change my mind... but i dun lik to tok abt tis..... hais.

i'll never wan to let go... i juz wna hold on to.... i didn't noe act i meant so much. cuz act to me .... dun really meant tt much. i'm really surprised at wad .... can do. it is juz so simple.

sudd my heart juz felt soo heavy. but y? i never understood. i can never. is it really better? haiz. y can it happen? y? y? y? y? y? i know. yes i know. but i juz dun understand. y?

i lost my thots... i forgotten wad i wanted to say... nvm.

~u really meant alot to me...~

at e end of e day...

2006-04-29T00:53:00.000+08:00

sports day was... wna noe. go see jolene's blog. however it is only half my story. after we got out of e sch we went separate ways... i went to fang's hze. waited for cyy and en for ages... haix. lazy to elaborate. anw we went j8 but en didn't go and tt cyy abandon us. =( stupid woman! haix. den dunno y i juz dun feel like gg into e train and be like sardines. so i suggested we walk home. lousy suggestion la! we walked for abt an hour or so... veri long... but happy. but i still prefer cycling... if only time go abit slower...
as we walk lots of things on my mind... soo much.
y is it always like tt. y does everything always happen tgt??? they are juz like e waves. one after another....

i dun understand...
if only i have reacted tt way and make everything big! it will be an escape... but tis is only temporary escape... at e end of e day i still have to go back to reality... i dun wish to hide i dun wna escape... i juz wan to keep going on. how long can i hold? i dunno. i juz wna hold for as long as possible... i need strength. grant me strength.

anw. i saw YEYE today!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! i really missed her!
and... i tok to my xiao millie darlingx today!!!!!!!!! tho only for a short while.... but i really missed her lots!

yea. she is right.

i realize tt person was e only person wo noticed it.... am i tinking too much? perhaps it wasn't tt person but ___ ____ _____ lei? dunno la.

argh! i won't be able to see my nephew tmr again! =( man! i'm juz gg crazy missing him! ahhhhhhhhhhhh! i really want to see him! i'm so tempted. but i shall not.

~if only i could stay there for e rest of my life and not come out...~

thinking too much...

2006-04-28T12:40:00.000+08:00

despite it, u still went ahead. tis is it i like. but i'm still not able yet. i wan! haix.

kk. i woke up early despite e fact tt there is no sch... hmmmm. i shall finish my work tdy. so i'm free for e weekends. den it will be only left w revision. but quite hard lei. nvm. my decision is a I WILL not a I WILL TRY.... believe it or not. not my prob.
i lead my life u lead yours. lets not come cross tis line.

this is like a chain reaction
reactant 1 + reactant 2 = product 3(reactant3)
reactant 3 + reactant 4 =product 5(reactant5)
reactant 5 + reactant 6 =product7(reactant7)
reactnt7 + ..................................................................................................................................................
...................................................................................... tis juz goes on and on till an explosion happen.

i hear tis i hear tt. but wad exactly is e truth?

perhaps.... perhaps.... perhaps it is e consequences of thinking too much....

for no reason somehow i juz felt happy. =D

duan bu liao de si nian...

2006-04-27T23:59:00.000+08:00

i...i...i...i... dunno wad la?!
realize when i'm stressed it is pretty scary. and i seriously dun like it. i dun wan it tis way. hmmm. i really juz feel like gg to cycle now! but i shall not. i shall be guai. guess i juz gotta find another way to release everything... k. act i was quite happy these fews days. k. maybe not really la. but i'm really glad. gald tt..... yupps. watched black night somedays ago. man tt show was lan! i only like e first part and e last part. first part was nice. last part reminded me of smth...

tok to her... she... there is simply too many things holding us back. i dunno how to face everything. 4 failed. how do u expect me to trust in tis thing? i never believed it will last. i never believed it actually. i'm contradicting. i found it in a sense. but i'm confused now. do i really believed in tis thing? does it really exists? is tis wad is holding me back?

do u really thot tt way? all i could say is u dunno me. ya. i noe it is not ur fault tt u dunno. like u said b4. blame me for not being able to....... i'm sorry. perhaps i juz needed more time to.... or perhaps i never will... maybe it made me never..........

yes. i noe. everything is changing. changing. i'm not oblivious to e fact. juz e fact tt i choose to be blind and mute.

perhaps it was juz a misunderstanding afterall... but i'm still feeling it. i dunno y? i should not be thinking tis much. enuff. stop here. i'll put a fullstop to tis...

rite now... i really dunno...

~sometimes you searched so hard for something, that you didn't realize that it was beside you all this while...~

dun wan

2006-04-24T19:07:00.000+08:00

hmmmm. i saw 2 cats on sun and 2 cats 2 dogs tdy.....

yest. went for word power. wah really hard lei. hahas. act no la. juz cuz i never read and finish memorizing e 40 verses. lol. den aft word power went tampiness to study... hahas. and 2 person actually "guang tian hua ri zi xia zuo chu zhe zhong shi qing"(wad jer said"). in starbucks somemore! so many ppl saw! hahas. we went coffee bean to study. k not bad. juz dun like e smoke! irritating! boo! unhealthy! quite productive though. yupps. den took 969 to khatib. so weird la. hais. went to e station den i suddenly rmb my grandma hze is dere so went dere. was ver tired! boo! an unproductive night though! i slept thru it! =( and.... and... and stupid me! act forget to bring tt 2 present yest! i'm super sorry to tt 2 person! i really ought to be shot!

wad's wrong la. owaes like tt? pls la. irritating lei. can u dun like tt?

boo! i dun like tis! y kant my thots leave it? sickening lei! it keep appearing... hais. stop! hmmmm. perhaps it is not a bad thing after all... but i dunno wad's on ___ ____... better dun tink. =X

i'm scared. yes. tis has owaes been my prob. i need to buck up! jiayou! if they believe u can do it! y not u?! yes! u can! =)

it takes a lifetime to forget somebody. i will never forget... =)

i'm super excited! really! i dno y?! but juz excited! to see e harvest. to see how our work will bring forth fruits! yes! i believe! we are gg to run tis race tgt! =P but yet at e same time i'm scared. =(

-i rmb to say good night! but i forgot good morn! but i rmb to say tis is e day e Lord has made, i will rejoice and be glad in it!...... though. hahas. =P

i will rejoice and be glad in it... =DDDDD

2006-04-23T01:34:00.000+08:00

wheeeeeeeeeeeee! i'm super happy tdy!!! though i didn't get to see my nephew =( but i'm still happy! tdy is a nice nice day! eh wait. act is yest! since it is alr 1am liao... hehex. svc was really great! wheeeeeeeee! =DDDDDDD

hohos. dno y tdy i suddenly thot of e liu xin hua yuan... one of e part... i tink tt part is very nice... but.... eeyer. y i go tink of tt? crazy liao la me. hahas. =P

it was on my mind all along. i find no need to explain. if u noe. den u noe. u dun. den 4get it. i dun care. if u tink it is tt. den let it be tt. if u tink it is tis. den let it be ti. up to u. i'm not gg to explain. i noe wad is it can le.=)

hais. i juz hate to guess. i hate playing e guessing games. it is irritating! it causes misunderstanding! i hate to misunderstand and be misunderstood! rahhs!

y does everyone have to insist? not juz one! but many! tis is getting on my nerves. =(

expectations?

wad is life w/o milk? pathetic. can only look and not drink. hurr.

hate tis. i'm scared. wad if one day it becomes my turn. wad will be my reaction. though it has no relation w me. however, it falls heavily on me.
my heart is soo heavy nowadays. overloaded w many things.

hahas. okay. i saw 1 cat 1dog tdy... haiyo. y keep seeing animals one. eeyer.
k. i aimed to finish memorizing e word power and do chem revision. den sun can do math! yes! i can do it! give me strength!!!! =)

~i yearn for you, wont you come tonight? i need you.~

deeper and deeper i fall...

2006-04-22T12:40:00.000+08:00

argh! i dun like tis. i'm juz falling deeper and deeper into it! =( it is not suppose to be =( but... i dun like it... it is different last time... soo different! rahhs!

hais. i guess. yest muz be upset. disappointed. angry. i dun get it! y muz u always insist on ur way? i really dun... i wonder wad make me...... =( i somehow expected e ending...
pls dun expect too much frm me... u overrated me. i'm still...

stupid me. did ironing juz now... though i did rmb to on e switch tis time... i abit not burned my finger tis time la... =(

will e reactants stop reacting? i'm scared now... an explosion will happen...

wad's w e animals??? been seeing them. on wed i saw 2 cats. thurs i saw 4 cats 1 dog! fri i saw 2 cats 1 dog.... hmmm. how many will i see tdy???

act wanted to blog abt smth few days ago but kept forgetting. nvm. since i kant rmb. anw i'm not surprised tt i dun rmb. as usual...

hmmm. i'm really so attracted to milk... go everywhere i oso see it... but i kant drink... =( and my mum bought choc milk!!!! i'm soo tempted to drink it.... can i???

okay. i tink i got it. i understand le. act i've been tinking abt it for weeks le. thank God! =D

- i'm not home yet... still far quite far off... i noe i'll reach there... =) -

its over

2006-04-21T17:13:00.000+08:00

i really dun like tis kinda feeling... hais... but nvm. since it is over. i feel so deceived. =(

my life may not seem as good as yours now... but at least i noe wad i'm working for... in you, i see emptiness...

anw my interact darlingx is really sweet today!!! love her to bits! she is soo soo sweet. thanx darling! love ya lots.

tdy was hist test... -shakes head- e paper was easy... however i can't really rmb all e points. thus, i crapped all e way... lol. like writting essay like tt... hahas. but it is an essay qn wad... laughs. rubbish la. jia is oso half mad. hehex.

act i was looking forward to tmr... however, now i dun really. i thot tmr will be a great day since i may have e chance to see my precious and there is svc... but now. cannot see him le. hais. i missed him! =(

i like today. it's a nice nice nice day... had fun trying to hide in e classroom. it was soo funny i tell u... lol. had a good time while...... (i'm not gg to tell u) hehex.

gtg. hope i'll be able to finish my hw b4 i leave e hze for cgm! =))))

tis was not e ending i wanted

2006-04-20T22:00:00.000+08:00

MYSTERIES
Quote - "God's commands are not always accompanied by reasons, but always by promises," - F.B Meyer

We don't have to understand everything.
Much of life contains mysteries.
This calls for trust.
If we have to 'see' before we 'believe',
we have joined the Thomas generation.
Believing before we 'see' introduces us to greater blessing.
If we don't understand why bad things happen,
we need to engage trust, rather than cynicism.
Do what God says even when you don't understand why.
Trust him.
He knows what He's talking about.

i like tis.... =) YES! in HIM i'll TRUST!

okay. enuff is enuff okay?! stop it? how dumb can i get to act told u all those? stupid me?! u're not anybody else lei? u're my family? y make me do tis? ppl are not pulling me away.. but u all are pushing me away... how disappointing u ppl can get... =(
i guess. u juz never know. u 'll never know wad am i tinking, wad am i feeling now...

everything is juz experiencing a change.... juz like chem. e reactants are reacting to form e products... some reversible. some irreversible. however those irreversible ones, e product was not wad i expected....

-i didn't ask for all tis...-

2006-04-18T18:20:00.000+08:00

yest was disappointed and today is heart breaking... =(
i'm craving for chocolate... wad i need now. =(

MON
we were made to dance e family dance 3 times la!!! boo! so tiring... dun like it! laughs. but i tink e primary girls are so cute! hahas. kids are cute la! hais... i missed my nephew! 4weeks le! 4wks = 28days... =( =( =( =( hais. i really missed him. his smiles. his laughter. he always never fail to make me 4get all my troubles when i'm w him... he is soo sweet. when i'm sad he cheer me up... looking at e fotos n videos doesn't really help much... miss hugging him. miss carrying him. miss him calling for me. i miss everything abt him! ahhhhh! i'm soo going crazy.

while dancing it juz came upon me. i can confirm smth. i'm soo disappointed. it juz goes to show smth... perhaps i expected too much... but y is it.... i always thot............. but now.

den after sch got comm mtg. e first time i kinda enjoyed it. it was more like a bitching session... lol.if things hadn't happen... mtg ended at ard 4.30pm... so when i reached there. was alr past 5! stupid thing close so early gan ma?! irritating. so kena scolded. and tt stupid place! y does it have soo many overhead bridges and not a sinlge traffic light in sight?! i tried goin up e bridge... i took e first step, e second step, e third and i came down... why does e overheadbridges there got soo many holes?! as if things weren't bad enuff? help u do things still muz get scolded. thanks ah. i ended up walking home! boo! hais. was soo tired tt i didn't bother at all...

today was okay la... 2.4km run is postponed. tdy is e trial. i got 16.09... lousy! i aiming for 15! Mr. Nunn took e class for e first time... lol. he is so funny! hahas. didn't go for pos tdy=( gotta reached tt dumb place by 5 and sch ends at like 3.30pm??????? =( stupid me. while smsing and reading i bumped into some thing and then e group of ppl behind was like laughing soo loudly and everyone turned to look at me! soo malu. i didn't learn my lesson. i con't doing tt. e next thing i know i miss a step and almost fell... soo malu!!! everyone was like staring?! ahhhh! =( walked home again! stupid overheadbridges! i hate them!
my heart is broken... it is soo cold now... =(

it falls on me soo heavily... it weighs me down... lift me up Lord!

i dun understand guys! irritating ppl! soo soo irritating! wad's wrong la? shit u la! ahhhhhhh! rahhhs! argh! get out of my life! hate you! go away all guys! ah! ah!!!! freak! i'm soo pissed now!!!!

i'm juz soo freaking tired now... but no matter how tired i'm i dun wna stop running...

perhaps it is juz me. still better for me to keep everything. it doesn't matter. i dun nid those. i am who i am. not wad u thot. i'm me!

i thot u knew... how wrong i was...
-i'm still standing alone at the end...-

easter!

2006-04-17T03:02:00.000+08:00

SAT
we q-ed up at hall 9 instead of outside e hall... was soo bored tt i started to play hangman w shu qing! hahas. tink she is really cute! lol. got tis movie call "must love dog" one meh? den went to fetch jess n xiang!!! =D took soo long to reach dere. sorry. svc was good! wheeeee! hahas. chat for awhile aft svc den sent them off. hahas. oic got new name liao it is called oci. laughs! hahas. den went to buy food food go foyer3 eat eat. hehex. den met pan audrey rachel en ting hui aries aft s2... den we tok for a while den trained home... ahahahas. at e tanah merah train we left smth behind... hahas. so we alighted at ??? (i forget where) heh. to wait for them to come over... and tt ben ben de en. abit not wearing skirt den still behave like tt lah! haiyo! -shakes head- laughs. den reached en's hze... we were all so tired tt we fell asleep in e living room leaving all e food on e table. hehex. den tink en's mama clean up for us... XIEXIE. =D
SUN
woke up at 6. if i'm not wrong. but we were still late for meeting Aries for breakfast... so end up never go... sorry dear. reached expo at 8 plus. alr soo many ppl! can u imagine how much earlier e first few ppl muz be!
yupps. s3 was super stressed! but it was good! "there is no logic in love" .... and i did smth super ben la! haiyo! hope he dun rmbs it e next time. hahas. den aft svc met my dearest dearest dearest darling!!!! i missed her like crazy! i love her like mad! but stupid me forgotten to bring her present out on sat... =( went svc4 w her! =D hehex. den after svc went eat eat at foyer3 den shop shop awhile... hehex. love her! den went home... okay. we was abit too hyper on e train! lol. i like to play tt BMD drawing game! hahas. funn funn. till we reached cityhall den dead dead liao... hahas. yay! everyone took train! lalalalalalas. heh.
was super tired. reached home juz threw my bag somewhere den slept. 10pm wake up call abit not become 10.40pm wake up call... guess wad i found out. my mum searched my bag! guess wad she found?! wah. i almost wan puked blood! man! =( hais. forget it la.

i juz came to realize tdy tt 2.4km run is on tues! i'm soo gg to fail la. feel soo unprepared! and i hate to run when i have a cough! cuz it feels really terrible! boo! =( i dun wna run. leg pain pain.

tell me it isn't real... juz say tt... how many times i have to convince myself it is not me... but times and times again u juz gotta tell mi i'm wrong... i'm at a loss... =(

ahhhhhhhhhh! i dun wan! i feel myself falling deeper and deeper! i gotta stop! someone pull me! =(

is wad they say real? is it really like tt? in e past i will say yes! and obviously agree w them. but now i'm doubting... i feel soo distant frm her... is it me or her? i dunno... wad was tt for? i mean really. no need for tt... dun half-fill e cup, if u wan fill it to e brim... =(

now there is tis feeling of urgency within me... i felt it long ago. juz tt i was waiting for her to move... but still i dno wad to do... wad's next? i dno how i should go abt doin it... but i noe He will guide me and lead me through all these... =)

a few days ago. i tink i saw him lei... or maybe i was dreaming... aiyah. it is either a dream or i was half asleep while walking back home... e times are missed... =)

-in e night e stars are shinning brightly, in e day they kant be seen... but they are there.-
are u willing to be e stars in my life???

spelling bee...

2006-04-15T02:05:00.000+08:00

yupps. it was spelling bee today... hmmm. i got into semi-finals... ya. unexpectedly i actually got in... Thank God.... but yet i dun feel e excitement...
anw, my dearest Fang came my hze last night! super funny! we juz laughed like dunno wad! lolx.
yay! i finally bought clothes! i bought tt nice nice pants frm s&k and 2tops! =D now i'm aiming for tt one i saw at sengkang! ahahahahahas. i'm super broke! lolx.

boo! stupid me act forgot tt i kant drink milk and i ordered blue coral MILK tea! i'm like suffering now... =( sobbx. sobbx.

last time i nv understand and nv noe... i thot it was easy... ya. i was wrong... now i noe wad they meant... yes indeed it is really sad... e feeling within is soo strong... i dunno how to describe. it is juz tis feeling. really.

i feel so guilty now... cuz i actually really missed tt right moment... if only i had.... perhaps it won't be like tt.... but yes it is over... i juz gotta move on... be it 1 year, 5years or even 10 years down e road i'm willing to wait... even if it never comes again.... i'm juz gotta work harder and harder and even harder.... cuz i believe if i juz believe and pray, tt breakthrough will come...

hais. i noe i shouldn't be thinking tis way... soo frm now on. no more tt thinking. it shall be gone. but i'm scared. cuz i feel myself falling into it... no! jia cannot! dno la. wad if it really happen? tis is terrible! another thing is tt i'm scared she is falling into it too... hais. -shakes head violently!- tis cannot happen! never!

i'm no longer who i am... i lost it since i was 8... but i noe i'm going to find it back one day... =)

i'm losing control...

i'm really excited for tmr and sun! i really hope tt miracle will come... hahas. but there is some sad things... i'm disappointed in myself...

i actually got tis thot in my mind... it juz poped into my mind when i was on e bus... but... will it really happen? i dun have tt courage to open my mouth... is my decision a I"LL TRY or I WILL ? dunno.

wah i tink they are really great! 100?!

-sometimes u try soo hard to be somebody tt u forget who u really are...-

sobbx sobbx

2006-04-13T14:13:00.000+08:00

i studied soo soo hard for my e-lit test! and i didn't get to take it. =( boo! i can no longer comprehend how my body work le! sobbx sobbx. hmmm. perhaps i should really go see a doc.... or maybe not... but recently my body is functioning weirdly... facing e same symptoms.... haiz.

went for e first pos meeting on tues!!!! hahas. funn! but muz dance ah. jia cannot dance la. my dancing weird weird one... lolx. wah! was really tired la! den on my home was really angry when i received e call! wah! i dun care if u say i'm petty or wad! tt's cuz it meant smth to me. tt's y i'm angry. wad's w u la? e worse thing is u act noe i'm angry and not even a sorry frm u?! fine! and u act thot i did it on purpose? excuse me?! i lie to u for wad? i got much more things to do one ok! wad's w u la? e world doesn't revolve ard u only! my life doesn't revolve ard ur life! my world is soo much bigger!
WED
i was like suffering frm all e muscle aches frm mon and tues! den we gotta run 3 rounds tdy! cuz fri lessons shift to wed. like wad rubbish. did 5 rounds on tues and 3 rounds on wed. like dying la. all e muscles aches. was not feeling right tt day. anw. aft remedial went home to rest... suppose to meet aries at 5 but guess wad?! i was still slp. sorry. wo bu shi gu yi de... dui bu qi... but was really tired... hahas. den funny funny things... den go home. den slept for abit more and wake up to study for my e-lit... sobbx sobbx.

ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! i dunno la. i'm like dying la!!!! i dun wan see doc!!!!!!! i dun care! i'm not gg to see one! tis is frustrating! i'm gg crazy!

errrr! tmr is like spelling bee! and i haven studied yet! pure crap! i dunno la! i dunno la!

define it. perhaps u may tink doing all these is it. but i dun tink soo... our life is so short... we got soo much to do. if we dun start now. when are we gg to start? one life. maximise it!

dun care i'm juz gg to study soo hard!!!! i dun care! i'm gg to prove it to u!!!!
excuse me how many times do u see me a day? like once? and for how long? like less than an hour? how much do u noe abt me. and my life. dun analyse me juz based on wad u see and wad u hear.... cuz u dunno much abt me....

my mum muz have heard smth frm her frens again... cuz recently she beenn telling me this and that... it is getting on my nerves.

wahahahahas. jia is going carzy really soon... ahhhhhhhhhh.

i hate it when i have aforethought for her....(sigh)
i noe someone who is anthropomorphic...(hais)
beleaguered, describes a situation who someone i noe is in....( =( )
i'm not a bibliophile person. (hahas)
i have never written a billet-doux before... (lol)

hahas. jia is kuku le. go find e dictionary to find out wad those words in bold means.... laughs! all these words are frm e spelling bee booklet. anw i dunno if i use them in a correct way... hahas. my eng lousy la.

not a bad day neither a good day.

2006-04-11T01:11:00.000+08:00

laughs. got back my a-math paper le... hehex. k. did quite ok. though not a A but a B. but improve like quite alot le. hehex. next time it shall be a A! =P but hor... i actually could have gotta an A. if only i'm more careful... i lost 7MARKS! cuz of my carelessness... =( but nvm. i will be more careful e next time! heh. Thank God. =D
i seriuosly dunno how i should study for my e-lit. =( boo! stupid!
i felt so uncomfortable e whole day. dunno y? like feel so out of breath. =( super xin ku....

nah came my hze tdy... to do smth for someone. hope she likes it. really! =P -laughs- we didn't finish it. we went cycling at 9plus... nah was soo horrified by e experience. go see her blog ba. she say she will blog abt it... anw, ya dunno y i cycle got soo many calls. i was like one hand holding e phone toking, e other hand on e handle... den got msgs oso. end up gotta call cuz gotta find out. so i ended up in an accident! =( boo! hen tong! like tt time i fell to e bushes de gan jue yi yang... i thot no bruise no nth. den... den... who noes. when i bath i realize i got one BIG bruise on my leg! hen tong! it hurts even when i bend my knees. maybe when i bend bu shi hen tong but tong! touch worse! sobbx. sobbx. it is swollen! =( den when we cycle, tok abt lots of things la. topic to topic... but actually seriously tt thot has never really cross my mind... maybe cuz i see too much soo i fear... not impt....

i'm super excited for EASTER!!! to work for it and to see it! =D

hohos. shall stop here and go do my work le. i'm excited abt my first pos mtg! =P but i'm sick of another kind of mtg... it is soo useless. i see no point.

You always smile....
But in you eyes your sorrow shows
Yes it shows

my heart is bleeding...

2006-04-09T22:42:00.000+08:00

tis afternoon was really terrible... those stares and remarks are like a thousand knives stabbing right into my heart... it is bleeding now... haiz. -shakes head- i really dunno how le? i...........
e night was better cuz focus shifted... but still..... haix.

i feel super guilty for saying those things abt you. but not cuz i was wrong but i'm not suppose to do it. u're oso a promise breaker! i hate you. wad lame excuses u give. how much he dote on you. yet u actually said tt. i'm purely disappointed in you!

i lost my thots. forgotten wad i wanted to type. nvm. juz feeling not soo gd now. sigh. =(

~i wish tt i cld i believe~

2006-04-09T02:50:00.000+08:00

haix. shakes head! ahhhhhhhh!!! i juz did stupid ironing! yes! again! i noe it is not e first time i didn't on e switch le! =( perhaps i'm juz too tired... or maybe i was tinking of wad happened juz now!
grrrr! i was really pissed off! super angry. i juz felt like hitting everything! ahhhhhh! i have never seen someone so ______ before! rahhs! irritating! why like tt? wad's wrong la?! enuff k! i hate you! i really do! y? u're so self-centered! everything muz be to your advantage! and i hate tt person! u noe wad? i actually lost hope and i decided tt i will never ever see a _____ _____ in this _____ ever again. when u decided to do tt. everyone was saying tt no u wun make it. but i have faith in u. i regain my hope and dreams... but u juz have to disappoint me. over and over again. u made me lose it all over again. juz like how he did. yes. u kept saying it is not ur fault. but pls dun lie. cuz deep down in all of our hearts we know u're e one in wrong. u caused everything to happen. yesh. u did. i no longer noe how to face you. i tink u're sucha hypocrite. sucha big fat liar. i hate you! u gave me tt little hope and u took it away.

i missed my xin gan bao bei nephew!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!! i THREE WEEKS never see him le lei! which means TWENTY ONE DAYS! i'm gg crazy really soon. e photos and videos doesn't help. no they dun!

i dun understand thot u said u wanted to focus. is tt wad u doing focusing? i highly doubt! but i got no ctrl. it is your choice. u choose your own path. juz hope u wun live to regret it.

svc was good. =)
oh. anw when we sent pan and nat off. on our way to e food court we saw tis really really cute kid! omgosh! he is soo cute la! so ke ai! ahhhhhhh! <3 hahas. i guess i juz love kids! they are really cute! man! kant take it. though sometimes they may be really noisy and notti (juz like e kids we're mentoring at amk pri) they are still so adorable. and i like their innocence and faith they have. =)
tdy was choir audi.... lol. tink i did quite bad except for worship ba. cuz worship is juz worship. oh man! tink i'm really bad at pitching! i kant pitch! my heart was beating so fast la! phew. it is over le. results will only be out like two weeks later.... we shall see by then...
conclusion of audi: jia kant pitch!
k. tink at e food court was really funny!!! lol. wna noe wad happpen? dun ask mi. cuz i alr feel very mean for all e laughing le... hahas. lol. kant take it la. super hilarious!

i'm super blur tdy! first i boarded e wrong side of the train. i was at yck mrt. while waiting for e train to come. my phone rang! it is my super funny junior. lol. tok and tok then train come. both side come tgt. i was alr facing e train wan to take le. but dunno wad possess me to turn and walk to e other side! den i was laughing so loudly tt everyone on e train was looking at me! so malu! then i reached yishun and i realize it is e wrong side. so i shouted "omgosh! i boarded e wrong side of e train!" and everyone gave me tt i'm very dumb look! super maluating! tink my junior is super funny! heh. hope she comes for easter! =) hmmm. k. next stupid thing i did was to call tt person uncle. and they juz kept laughing and laughing. i dunno y... den next is at e provision shop near my hze. i juz did some very blur and stupid things! den next was e stupid ironing le... haiz. -shakes head violently-

i seriously hate guys! dun bother to ask me why. i will juz tell u i juz hate them. irregardless of whether smart or stupid. good looking or not good looking. nice or not nice. gentleman or ungentleman. i jzu dun like them! argh! dunno wad's wrong w them! excuse me! stop invading into my life! taking away every little hope i have! ok i'm soo random. ignore tis part then. pretend u kant see. since it is so small.

now u noe jia kant pitch plus she is super blurrr. =eh. act i'm suppose to do my work. =X i have soo much work! i really shouldn't be here anymore le. =( still got spelling bee! it is like EIGHT HUNDRED words! and it is like only got 5-6 days to study it. still got word power! i may juz faint anytime. hold me pls.
k. off i go to do my work le. nites ppl. =)

hehex

2006-04-08T01:56:00.000+08:00

i got tis happy feeling tdy! hahas. i tink tis is e feeling of satisfaction. =) i like it.
u noe when i was really stressed i really look forward to weekend. when i can go for cgm and svc. =D dno how to explain... but i noe when i go i will ____ dunno how to describe la.

hahas. tok to my dear Fang tdy... heh. disturb her when she watching tv. sorry. hahas. but she abandon me for her da chang jin. =( get well soon! wo ai ni! <3

phew! almost got caught by the police tdy. cuz of tt 11pm curfew thingy... hahas. aiyah. cuz was really hungry after cg and plus my hze no food. so decided to eat supper. but cwp only got bk. but me and toot dun wan fastfood. so we went 7-11 to buy cup noodles and sat at e dunno where la. wah. when e police approached us. i was like shocked la! i was e only person who is under 17... =( i was like die liao la. my mum is going to go blah blah blah... hahas. Thank God. tt police guy didn take down my ic number. hahas.

hehex. tmr is choir audition. my heart is like beating so fast... hahas. haiyo. but hong cannot sing la. lol. dunno la.

and dunno y. my mum is super nice tdy. hahas. she's back to her super good mood. so i'm back to my happy life at home. =) Thank God!

haiyo. i seriously dunno la. i feel so mean la. i mean i really hoped tt it was her. but when i noe it is not. i kinda get disappointed. i noe i should not do tis. but i kant control tis anger in me. everytime i'm juz depressed or wad. it kinda come back. =( k. but it is gone now. i serious dunno how to repair tis alr abandon and broken ship. abandon by us for many years. broken for many years. but if i have a chance i rather i did not do e stupid things. i was stupid enuff to actually _____ ___ __ ____.... =(

i'm tried le. but i kant do it alone. i dun wish to lose it.

-all i want is only you, all i need is only you.-

u never know

2006-04-06T20:19:00.000+08:00

guess tis is juz e stress period so easily irritatable... lol. i'm crazy really soon. hahas. kuku frm all e study le la... i got bad habits when i study. lol. abit xiao xiao one... hehex. i found a way to de-stress liao. tt is to tok on e fone while studying. i can absorb more. juz tok abt everything. hahas. weird rite. but e bad thing is i study in e middle of e night. and ppl i noe who are awake refuse to tok on e fone. =(
do u noe when u pushes a persons to his/her limits she might juz snap... i have my limits too...
i'm no tools for frustration venting... dun vent it all on me.
rahhs. dun look at me like tt! i hate tt yan shen of yours. who are you to look at me like tt??? i noe i'm wrong but u're not any better. rahhs. u noe wad i really hate you! get out of my life! yesh. i noe i'm selfish. ahhhhhhhh. but i juz can't accept it. let me be.
and you take your tt disgusted look away. u dun like me so wad? tt's like not my prob. so for wad? irritating! hurrs! rahhs! argh! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! i dunno la! wad's wrong w everything? wad's wrong w me? rahhs.
man! tink when i'm stressed or wad i'm really weird. either i eat alot alot or i kant eat at all. and i owaes have tis violent thots in me. man! i shall not entertain these violent thots anymore. haiz. so now u noe. when jia is stressed dun touch her cuz it is playing w fire. u dunno when she is gg to get violent or she might go crazy e next moment. hahas.

hohohos. i'm quite happy tdy. hahas. tink e test is like easy? hahas. but i dunno la. maybe juz cuz i dunno how to do, so any how do, so it appears to be easy loh. lol. CCA was quite ok. but almost vomit blood! i'm lousy at teaching la. haiyo. dunno say how many times le. he still dun understand. times become plus. plus become times. haix. -shakes head- but after cca walked home w my junior. hahas. tink she is really funny. kant take it. lol. throughout e whole journey i juz laughed non-stop. hahas. but she hor mei da mei xiao one. so rude to seniors. hahas. but nvm la. oh! and e club fund! man! i seriously wan to da ren le! irritating lei! haiz. -shakes head violently- i'm soo gg to slack tdy! hahas.
dunno y i feel so light today. hahas. heh.

u never know those things of me. pure disappointment. =(

stressed

2006-04-04T18:56:00.000+08:00

realize i juz eat and eat and eat and eat when i'm really stressed! should stop eating soo much! =(
and i juz kant get to slp in e night. finished my work like early? 2am! and i kant sleep! only slept like 4?! man! tis is really driving me nuts! stupid! argh! rahhs! and nobody understands! like wad's wrong w all of u?! juz make my time at home totally eeyer! man! anybody can say tt of me but not u! juz not u! kant u see?! oh ya! i 4get u dun! crap! crap! ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! u treat tis hze like a hotel and u expect me not to treat it like tt. wad's e point man? wad's e point?
and you! go and die la! ahhhh! are ur games more impt or my work?! crazy guys! selfish guys! i hate guys! shit them! are all guys like tt?! crap la! all guys are pure crap! hate them! hate them! ahhhhhhh! irritating! rahhhhhhhs! argh! argh!
ok. i'm so ______. sorry. hiax. dunno la. -shakes head-

anw i found tis super cute song. hahas. i like it lots lots. hehex. lastly i juz wna say i really missed my darlingx! get well soon! i love you! huggies. muackx.

SUPERHERO

HE'S THE ONE WHO MAKES THE SUN SHINE
HE'S THE ONE WHO PUTS THE MOON IN THE SKY
HE'S THE ONE WHO HUNG THE STARS
ONE BY ONE

HE'S THE ONE WHO MAKES THE BIRDS SING
HE'S THE ONE WHO MAKES ME DREAM SO HIGH
HE'S THE ONE WHO MAKES ME SMILE
DAY BY DAY

JESUS YOU'RE MY SUPERHERO
YOU'RE MY STAR
MY BEST FRIEND
JESUS YOU'RE MY SUPERHERO
YOU'RE MY STAR
MY BEST FRIEND

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH
BETTER THAN SPIDERMAN
YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH
BETTER THAN SUPERMAN
YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH
BETTER THAN BATMAN
YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH
BETTER THAN ANYONE

=(

2006-04-03T23:01:00.000+08:00

i really dunno if i should cry or laugh... fri morn fri evening sun night tis morn. enuff la. lousy stomach! i'm feeling weak all over me now...
can u believe it? i'm actually missing school... shoot me pls. i'm soo freaking scared now. tis yr is like my O's and i've not been going sch! stupid body! lousy! rahhs! ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

i owaes believe everyone is worth it. i may hate somebody for what thery had done. but dunno y there is still tis love in me for them...

listening to e song... dunno y i teared... soo much came to me... i'm tired. i dun wan to be lik tt. i dun wish to be like tt. how many times in my life did i actually did it? i dun wan to be soo weak. i wan to be strong. i dun wan to stay where i am. i wan to be like them. i wan to do lots of things.
she is a girl who used to have soo many dreams soo many desires. where are them now? why do all of them seems soo far frm her? soo far. she push them away. each time they are near her, she have tis feeling. she dunno wad is it. a mixture of fear and joy. she fear she is not up to fufill my dreams and my desires. she fear she is not fit to get it. y is she fearing soo much. she wan to soar w Him above e storms. but yet she fear she is not able to soar above e storms.
wad is she doing? wad is she tinking? why is she letting all these thots eating her up? i dunno... many many times we owaes encourage ppl to do tis do tt, we have e faith to believe them. but when it comes to encouraging ourselves, yet we do not have tt faith to believe in ourselves.
LORD, i pray You give me that faith! that faith to believe in You, in myself during the storms.
-now i kant see myself, where am i?-

~wah~

2006-04-03T00:08:00.000+08:00

thot i shld tk a break frm all my work. gg crazy really soon. trying to choing le! tis weekend passes really fast! bu zhi bu jue jiu over le! super tiring la! but oso super funn! hee!
FRI
hais. didn't go sch again... -shakes head- blame it on my weak stomach! boo! wah! den b4 i left my hze cgm... AGAIN! -_-!!! sobbx. sobbx. hahas. anw i entered into e spelling bee quarter finals! hahas! en and yingx oso! heehee. but... tis means need to study more! =( 800 words lei! tt time e 500 i oso never study all. study more than half la. but only rmb less then half... aft cgm den went to look for my dearest FANG! i love her! muacks! happy belated bdae! we took a train to tanah merah and took a cab in... hahas. dun really rmb wad we did le... but juz funn! hahas. cyy is like super funny! lol. hehex. slpt ard 3++.
SAT
woke up at like 10! and someone ah so piggish keep lai-ing bed. hahas. den we went bowling! wheeeeeeee! realize someone bowl w funny posture! lol. then to e arcade. den cabbed to en's hze. den cabbed to bedok. den cabbed to expo. wah! super tai-tai rite! like since fri night, we been cabbing all e way! super broke now. sobbx. hehex. svc was really good! praise the LORD! den went to look for FANG again. and we played an april's fool joke on fang! lol. super funny! hahas.
SUN
woke up at ard 10 oso. i tink. den was packing. wash tis wash tt pack tis pack tt. den we went to expo. hahas. den went to cut my hair w nah!!!! ahhh! tink it is very weird! now veri hard to tie! how ah? hais. anw, i seriously dun like ppl w AP la! super -.-!!! hate it! boo! den train home. fell asleep on e train and i missed my stop... i dun rmb le. was super sleepy. all i rmb was i fell asleep den i woke up realize i passed amk but dunno which station i'm in. i juz alighted and walked over to e opposite side. wah! irritating! why owaes like tt wan! everytime i veri sleepy wan to slp on e train there is bound to be noise pollution! boo! =( plan to catch a nap but didn't... :'( now i am like super tired! ahhh! i need coffee!!! lets hope coffee do helps. if not ah. haiz. 2tests plus soo much hw....

yes. it is not even a choice. not even an option. u're a lousy liar.

like her, i dun wish to let go oso. but do i have a choice? do i get to choose? soo many things i want to let go but can't. soo many things i dun wish to let go but dunno y i juz somehow lose grip of it... i'm trying to repair tis broken __________....

been a long long time i actually thot abt it le... actually i forgotten i got a ___ le... but does it matters? only recently dunno why ppl been asking/toking abt it... or maybe she did it on purpose trying to get smth frm me? i dunno... but all tis asking and toking made me realize tt i actually still have a ___. have i alr forgiven? i dunno. sometimes i dunno wad i'm feeling. i dunno how to express myself. my likes, my dislikes........ blame it on ___. __ made me lose my abilities...

no u dunno. u dunno my fears... u dunno them. but despite my fears i hold to e trust tt u'll not abandon me. u'll not ____ __ ________. u'll ___ ___ ____ tgt w me... i pray hard tt my fears will not come true.

wah long entry... hahas. ok la. shall stop here le. JIA muz buck up le! hahas. jiayoux to myself. lol.

When the oceans rise
and thunders roar
I will soar with you
above the storms
Father you are King
over the flood
I will be still
know you are God

hohos

2006-03-31T01:38:00.000+08:00

seriously tink i'm going crazy soon... i'm here to take a break... if not... actually everything was fine till they came into e picture... never know someone as inconsiderate as him! man! first is to wake me up in e middle of e nite at like 0330?! den now wad? dun u have eyes to see tt i'm actually studying? or are u blind or wad?! on e tv till so loud! tink e neighbour next door could even hear! den more... dun wish to say le! make me lose my thots. and make me see e wrong coordinates now i gotta draw e graph all over again... i tink i at least re-draw 3times for one graph la! and i got like 5!!! wah! i actually only got 5 graphs become 15! crazy! hahas. rubbish la. there goes my slp tonite... got smth impt haven do yet... hope it turns out alright.
i'm banned frm coffee! =( hehex. but i still managed to find out where she hid it... hahas. but actually coffee quite useless... i mean like yest i drank a cup of coffee guess wad... in less than 2mins i fell asleep... lol. my mum got a new phone! n6280, she is crazy abt it... lol. stop asking me to slp la. kant you see i got soo much work? stop saying it is okay cuz it is not la. u dunno. really u dun. lets hope tt i'll at least get a 1hr slp. if not ah... i really dunno tmr how le la. hahas. can one la! not as if i never survived on one hr slp b4. i even survived on a 10-15mins slp!

i noe it is not w me... or maybe it juz an illusion. so my thots wun wander abt. haix. but if __ __ ___ how am i suppose to ____ ___ ___ __ ______ or ______ or _____??? -shakes head-
am i over-sensitive? haiz. dunno la.

actually i'm here to wish my dearest FANG sheng ri kuai le!!! wo ai ni!!! hahas.
FANG! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I LOVE YOU!

happy or not happy

2006-03-29T23:39:00.000+08:00

if u're happy u're happy... if u're not happy u're not....
it is easy to see if a person is happy or not... e person maybe smiling and laughing but it doesn't means tt she is happy... she may be laughing on e outside but crying on e inside... it all can be seen thru e eyes... i saw it in her eyes she is crying...

actually i thot over it last night and i understand... no matter wad He is going to make things alright! i believe... i'm no longer going to move to my left or right or even stand still but i'm going to move forward... ya i noe. i made tt decision quite long le... but never really did it.. so i'm going to do it now! i believe and always trust...

can i say i kinda expected it last night... i was not surprised... nth much i can do or say....

wheeeeee! i'm super excited today! cuz it's sis baobao's birthday! hahaz! was tinking wad will be her reaction upon seeing tt hahas! super happy! lalalalas hehex. saw toot and matt at ps. hahas.
anw there is tis stupid crazy guy who knocks on my hze door at 0330am in e morn!!! and no one in e world heard it except me! stupid guy! disturb my slp! argh! had a hard time trying to fall asleep! and he juz gotta knock on it when i'm falling asleep... wad's wrong w him? he got nth better to do ah?!

my heart and my strength many times they fail.
but there is one truth that always will prevail.
God is the strength of my heart.

terrible

2006-03-28T19:53:00.000+08:00

it was really terrible in e morn... went to e toilet countless time... :( was feeling much better in e afternoon den it came back in e evening... :( boo! rahhs!

i was tinking... i noe certain things kant be touch... cuz it is damaged already... den e word "repair" came to my mind... "repair"? how am i suppose to do it? how should i go abt it? i dun like tis...

on sun went for svc den to ps. studied for a while den went ikea.
suddenly i felt heavy and tt smth is weighing me down... but wad? i dunno. or maybe i'm juz tired tt's y i feel tt way... i'm juz being over-sensitive?

if only there is many me... den i won't be trying so hard juz to cover everything... when i try to go tis side i negelected e other side... wad shld i do? i really dunno. i'm exhuasted.

man! wad're u all doing? stop confusing him w all ur words and comments... she said this den he said tt den another she said smth else. wad do u all wan?! i 'm sucha _______ _______...

misunderstandings and misunderstandings... soo many misunderstandings... i hate tis... can we all stop assuming??? we are fishes in e ocean not fishes in the tank...

if u dun say... how am i suppose to noe? juz wad do u wan me to do? u noe i hate to guess. i hate to assume.

y muz everything be like tt? is it really really tt hard???

ain't i trying alr? ain't i doin enuff? i'm trying very hard... or maybe i tried too hard... i dunno.

can we juz place everything on e table??? lets have a showhand...
-i'm tired-

-lalalalas-

2006-03-26T00:44:00.000+08:00

hais. wad rubbish. woke up on fri n thot i cld go to sch le... like finally...den i went to sch and went home after 45mins...-_-!!! but i still refuse to see a doc... pure crap la. had hard time trying to slp... den when i finally slp le... someone(i forget hu) actually called me and disturb me! i rmb tt person said smth like so late le u still slping ah? =( i juz fall asleep only loh... boo! woke up. felt abit better. went to support e hockey girls. man! e match was soo exciting! we won! heh. super happy! den went for cgm... went home and tok on e phone! wah! been soo long since i'm on e fone for at least 2hrs!!! hahas. juz tok abt many things. super funny oso. heh. =P

svc was great! i'm gonna be a line crosser!!! after svc we celebrated sister baobao's birthday!!! =D heh. touching. great. we sang like a rose to her... hahas. but if only... all e st nicks girls cld be there... really want to thank her! she did soo much! i love her! she rocks! den after svc went to bedok to eat... den took bus home... wheeeeeee! i'm happy today!!!

hais. it is not as if i dunno it will happen... it is not as if i'm not used to it... but juz tt i kant remain stoic to it... each time it happens i juz kant control but get disappointed. even when i alr noe it is like tt one... but kant ppl change? change to be not so disappointing?

hmmm. recently i came to my sense and understand somethings... now i noe, it is not as if i dun in e past... e difference is tt now i'm able to overcome my feelings... =D

like i had said b4 we're all fishes in e ocean... seriously! how much do u noe abt me? and how much do i noe abt u? to u my world is juz like e small fish tank u see me in... to me ur world is also juz like e small fish tank i see u in... do u get wad i'm trying to say???

-there is nth much for me to do if ppl wans to be disappointing-

-boo!-

2006-03-23T16:33:00.000+08:00

hais. my poor attendance tis year is really gg to be really bad... dno wad's wrong w me tis yr... owaes fall sick... ahhh! hate gg to sch! but oso hate not gg to sch! hate sch cuz sch it is ___ and many other reasons... hate not gg to sch cuz i'll miss lessons! and i hate missing lessons cuz it is really hard trying to find out wad i missed! info is owaes not complete... get used to it.
hate coughing. it is tiring and super xin ku to keep coughing and coughing... argh!
hahas. dno y. abit me n en nv go sch tgt la... tues oso then tdy oso... lol. eh. but we really is peng qiao de. hahas.

dun like my mum's fren... they contaminate her mind... surprisingly when she saw my term1 ppr she didn't put all e blame on me gg to church or wad... she juz ask me to buck up. =) anw my results oso not cuz i go church or wad is cuz of.... no point toking abt it anymore.... yupps. den when she came home frm work she started to say my results is cuz of me gg church and i noe muz be her frens again... yes. tis is not e first time le! wad's wrong w them?! crazy ah! den she kept nagging and nagging... and saying lots of things... boo! hate it whenever she starts doing tt... my happy days are over.... but her frens ar! really too much lei! everything oso muz comment! everything oso muz say i'm wrong! everytime i told my mum smth and it is correct den she will come back and insist tt i'm wrong cuz her frens say tis say tt... argh! =( anw it doesn't really matter to me anymore i'm juz gg to get used to it

yeah! i'm gg to support my dear fang in her final match tomms! hehex =P FANG! JIAYOUS! NI XING DE! JING JING OSO! heh.

hmmm. wad should i join???

-is tt all u can do???-

first day of school...

2006-03-22T23:45:00.000+08:00

first part of tdy was totally bad... only e later part of e day was gd... heh.

hoohoos. my happy holidays ended... i act planned to like study thru e holis??? but i was not home almost everyday... but i got study k.

tdy e first day of school... aiyah. ok la. for me first day la.... it was totally _____(dunno use wad to describe)! i can die like tt la... if everyday like tt i'll be crazy really soon... totally terrible... forget lots of things... super messy... super tired! and i act forgot abt chengyu test... so i like spent less than 20 mins trying to memorize 15 chengyus! ok la. i can do it de... juz tt i'll suffer frm terrible headache... and tt zhuang made me go home and take e stupid GIRO form when ppl frm other classes can like dun hand it tdy, ppl like yulin... so like sch ends at 2 den i walked all e way home was alr 1420 le... after i found e form let my mum sign was alr 1428. den cyy cheated my feeelings she told me house prac starts at 1430... but i was too tired to run all e way back... so i juz take my time and strolled back to school... i reached sch was 1445 and house prac haven even start yet! it start at like 3?! zhen shi de! opps! =X am i complaining too much? heh. =P

den house prac end... it was totally boring! boo! tink sec4s are bad... haiz... den went home to rest... den was cgm... though w a not very in tune guit and.... but i felt His presence... i see it... i can picture it in my mind... yes! we're gg to do it! we're gg to move tt mountains out of our lives! there is gg to be revival! somethings juz cannot be put into words... aft cgm send them off... wanted to do my work... heh. but i saw e guit and i kant resist e temptation... hehex. den it was gd news!!! thank God for His blessings upon my life.... i serve an AWESOME God! expect God for a miracle and it will come.

oh man i kant believe it! when i saw it i really was very ______!!!!! how can you be soo ______... or is tis juz e way u're??? super duper disappointed...

tink i 'm seriously gg to die frm excess coughing! lol. terrible.

it is not for me to say anything, i shall juz keep my mouth shut...

Matt17:20
"... if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain. 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."

-guilty-

2006-03-21T20:38:00.000+08:00

i feel super guilty... tink wad i did trigger it off... -shoot me!-

define happy. define sad. define depression. define wad's right wad's wrong. define black and white. define good and bad. define friends. define you. define me.

argh! kant stand my phone! e stupid screen!

hais...

2006-03-21T18:47:00.000+08:00

argh! dunno y e chinese words juz dun appear! boo! nv go sch tdy... super uncomfortable... boo! juz wrote a super stupid chinese compo! boo! my voice sounds weird now... boo! my phone is irritating! boo!

looking at those things last night... i wonder if it was frm their bottom of their hearts or juz cuz there is a need to do those so they did it... no matter how many times e feelings is there... but now it is not it only upsets me even more... i'm disappointed... it is okay if she dun understand... but y even u??? i thot u noe... perhaps i was wrong...

to u, i'm like a fish in a small fish tank... to me, u're also like a fish in a small fish tank... but no... we're fishes in e big big ocean... u understand??? no? nvm cuz i dun too... writting rubbish la... hahas.

is tt all u can say??? do tt useless ____ means more than me??? i didn't do anything wrong did i??? wei shen me? gan ma? yi ge liang ge duo zhe yang... am i disappointing? or u're e one? nvm. i'm used to it... ppl are disappointing...

only one year... and nw is alr march gg april... i'm only left w 3/4 of a year... not including e holis and everything...

oh ya... yest b4 i came back saw 2 irritating cats a t e staircase i was freaked out... lazy to elaborate... wna noe? ask me loh... lol. den en had a scary encounter too... hahas. she called juz at e right time... lol. so ben... act mine wasn't as scary as hers... but juz dun really like cats... esp in e nite... hahas. shall go do my work now.... bye.

??¥Ã¤£?

2006-03-21T01:37:00.000+08:00

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¦³±¡¤Ñ Key: F
Chinese Worship

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a super nice song! love it! hahas. despite e fact tt i'm sick... i still went out la... hahas. went to shop for someone's gift... but ended up w 2 other person in e changing room! ahahas. dun anyhow tink ah! lol.

sick...

2006-03-20T15:50:00.000+08:00

man! it really feels terrible to be sick! argh! i didn't go for RALEIGH outing... :((((((( boo! rahhs!

was ironing e clothes last night and was tinking abt smth too... when i'm done i looked at e clothes i ironed... i realize it dun look like it has been ironed... den i realize smth.... i didn't on e switch! gosh! how terrible can i get?! muz be tinking too much! terrible me gotta iron all e clothes all over again... :(((((

seriously. wad do a teenager aged 13-16 knows abt love??? shouldn't they be concentrating on their studies??? tis is wad i detest abt mixed sch... it simply juz confuse ppl... rahhs! realize wad a failure i'm as a ___, yet i know not much abt ___ ____! wad a failure i'm. did i close myself up? or was it him? or e both of us???
realize i'm starting to ____ ______ __ as much as possible... but y??? juz feel tt i be better off tis way... yupps. maybe. being random again... wad's w e randomness???

random

2006-03-20T01:45:00.000+08:00

i'm excited! RALEIGH's outing is tmr!!! hahas! i missed obs! really! i love it there!
but... i feel tired and sick now... been coughing and sneezing and having headache e whole day le... hope i dun fall sick...

boo! my phone is irritating! super boo! e screen keep die-ing la! hais. scared tt i may send my phone for repair den may lose all e contacts... so copying them now... tho i got copy last time... but i forget where i threw it... :( so gotta copy again... realize i'm not in contact w lots of ppl... really alot man! hais...

ppl do change dun they? if only ppl will only change for e better and not worst... i'm horrified by e lives they lead... it is soo horrible, soo terrible, soo horrifying... i really pity them... i feel sorry for them... it is not as if they didn't have tt chance... they was once soo close to ___... yet they choose to let go... wad else can i say? now i pray hard tt u dun let go... tho i noe if u really let go... ur life will not be lik them... but i dun wish to see it... too see you ___...

e two words "if only" kept appearing in my mind... soo much i want to do... soo much i didn't and can't do....

why am i filled w so many feelings... dunno why. but my heart really go all out to them... for lots of ppl... even her... i dunno y? i dun hate her now... am i loving too much??? wad a weird qns. boo. a random post.

happy yet not happy...

2006-03-19T11:58:00.000+08:00

supposed to meet darlingx on thurs to study but she not feeling well...missed her lots! her v-day prezzie is still w me! hahas. soo long le! take care darlingx! i dunno why... i ended up in sengkang instead... hahas. like e yoshi dere! but there is like super cold! we were simply freezing there... recorded smth! super funny! ahahahas! did quite alot of work la... hahas. den pei en to cut hair.... hahas. :) den we went to shop... opps! =X thot we were suppose to study??? hahas. yupps. we went to try clothes at metro! fun! fun! e changing room so bigg! i wan e two tops!!! but i'm broke... :((((( hahas.

fri went to jurong island... cyy cheated my feelings! it was super boring la! boo! then went to have dinner w en kezia and matt at admiralty :) den went for cgm... yupps. it was great! i didn't expected to be promoted... :D super happy! but... nvm. i'll take e step of faith! yes! i will! :D yupps. decided i shall join choir! ok la! hahas. den after cgm went to jalan kayu w en kezia and matt (yes. again) hahas. we ate prata! den shared cab home. den didn't sleep and studied e whole night! tink e cab driver uncle is nice :) it is a happy yet not so happy day!

sat brought my nephew to e doc... :( i missed him like crazy! really! but... i got no choice... i'm sorry... after tt met kezia and matt to study at expo... super sad! i'm super sorry... dui bu qi. wo ai ni. den went for bs... it teaches abt faith... yes. faith. den was svc. yupps. den dine at changi. hahas. toot is slow at eating... hahas. jk la. den saw sis baobao's niece! cute! cute! den went home... quite early lei... but gd la... wash shoes and dishes den did abit of work... den cannot take it alr. need some sleep. so decided to slp till 0130... so asked for wake up call... ans e call. woke up. took out all my work. placed it on my bed. i fell asleep. hahas. i'm soo lousy la! i did it again... i'm sorry... but i juz dunno how to face you... i feel mean... it ia oso a happy yet not so happy day...

slept all e way till 11++. wah. piggish me. did no work e whole nite! ahhh! went for spelling bee! hahas. dun tink will get it.... but all e words are like swimming in my mind now....haahas. den went paya lebar w en jer and matt... hahas! i learnt how to play bridge! hehex. yeah! fun! hahas. then took 76 home! yay! tt bustop no bus 80. hahas. so all took 76! matt alighted at e correct bustop but boarded e bus again... haiyo! again a happy yet not so happy day...

gosh! i juz feel like sleeeping now! no i kant! soo much work to be done! gosh! ahhhh! rubbish me la! hais! shall not slp tonight! boo!

dun understand. no. i dun. i'm disappointed in you... big disappointment. now i pray hard and hope hard tt u dun... tt u really wun...

thank God for all. really! i'm super happy! really! but... wad i need know is not those... perhaps cuz everything came tgt... so i dun feel it... but too much of it... it will lose its meaning... u understand?

tis wad i desire. wad i ask. wad i pray for. but when i got it... i'm afraid... isn't tis wad i had been waiting for??? now i got it. wad is holding me back??? many things... yes. many things... holding me back... soo many things i'm struggling with... soo many things i gotta handle... i'm scared... really scared... i'm scared one day......

realize i'm soo soo negative! i shall change! no more negative but positive! only positive! i'll try! yes! everything is in e mind!

boo!

2006-03-16T23:35:00.000+08:00

ic day on wed was okay. we played a lot of games! super tiring! got to know a new girl, Niko from peicai. she veri funny and cute... we went out tgt after ic day... vanessa. cyy. wen jing. niko and me went j8... funny! tok to my darling on my way home! miss her lots!

thanx soo much k for spoiling everythings juz as things are improving... do we have to build our happiness on other's misery? do u tink this is fun? man! u're crazy! let me tell you tis! i may fall once twice thrice but i'm going to stand up again and again! no matter once twice thrice i'll stand up again! nothing is going to stop me! cuz i know smth u dun! so i dun care how many times you're gg to let me fall... it doesn't matter... cuz i'll be standing at e end! u'll be e one down at e end...

i'm going to make things happen and not wait for things to happen!
-"The best way to predict the future is to invent it." - Alan Kay

i'm tired of being tired...

2006-03-15T02:00:00.000+08:00

seriously... i'm really tired of being soo tired... i dunno y... y am i soo tired... tired of everything tt's gg on... no!!! i'll keep on gg no matter how tired i am! yesh! i will! =D

realize i have soo much things not done! i act planned to master my guit and really like revised alot of things tis holi... but now... hais... i doubt la! crap! ~boo~
realize i fell into her trap... i noe tt she did all that cuz of ______... and now juz like her i'm doing all these cuz of _____ too...
realize somethings juz change and they will nv be e same anymore...
realize some people some things, i'll never understand...
realize things turn out e way we made it to be...
realize i have control over the things...
realize people are plain dumb...
realize people are disappointing...
realize people cannot be trusted...
realize people dunno me and i dunno them...
realize people dun understand...
realize i see alot...
realize i play dumb...
realize i lost all my abilities to ever feel again...
realize things i never do...

-it is your choice...-

2006-03-15T00:09:00.000+08:00

i always belived tt e way ur life is... happy or sad... it is your choice... you choose the way your life is... you have control over it...

i choosen. how abt you???

busy or lazy???

2006-03-14T00:18:00.000+08:00

been so long since i came online... crap la! tis so not right! i'm not suppose to be here... dun care la! totally no mood! act i planned to study thru e holis... but obviously my plan didn't work!

got back my results for tis term on last tues! one word! S***! it is really total crap la! i act got a zero! but one thing i noe is tis is not my results... it is only e first term... everything turn out lidatt cuz of somethings... which is over...

fri was preparing for fiesta. juz moved here and there. den studied for spelling bee... anddd... i fell asleep... hahas. den at 1630 cabbed to northpoint... wanted to watch nanny mcphee... but we were late... so watched another show... it was super funny... though i was really laughing but like no mood lik tt lei... dunno why... hais. but it was nice to watch movie w fang and en! :D after movie was cg! yay! i want to win spelling bee! hahas. blancmange! anachronism! lol. cg was ....... i have hopes!

sat was fiesta. suppose to wake up at 6... as usual i didn't... woke up at o62o. was in time. cooked 90 eggs... no... i act i didn't cook them all... my mum was cooking then halfway. den dunno throw wad temper she threw everything to me... boo! reached sch started to prepare... den sat crazy surf w en... den walked ard. den went to her stall... den slacked ard. den met nah and wen. they eat and walked. den met millie. den jer. den nah and jer left den wen left. went to do hena w millie... den went for duty... den met cyy den walked ard. went to plaza sing aft tt. we ate at ajisen! :D super full la! hahas.

went for svc... was quite upset abt smth... den we went CG outing! super funn! hahas! double biked w ivory! i dun lik double bike.... soo hard to control... i fell twice la... i juz keep ah-ing la! den we threw kezia into e sea! hahas! and we attempted to throw jer into e sea too! but we failed! hahas! den cont to cycled! matthias is super funny! lol! gosh la! nah fell when we were cycling xia si wo! zhen shi de! haiyo! aft cycling we went to have dinner... at (forget where) hehex. den while walking to tt place i fell into e bushes la!!! super funny! maluating lei! i pulled en down too! hahas. so hard to get up! i feel very itchy after tt la! haiyo! now i got one blue-black at my back la! hahas. den we ate. tok. played games. den we send en to get a cab home! wah! jer soo man la! one of e few times i see him so man! hahas. he act went to chased aft e cab la! we all thot some accident happened and he was gg to help tt person in front when he ran.... den he ran into e blocks... all of us was like HUH?! wad happened?! hahas. after sendin en home we went to macs... i learnt how to play bridge! hahas. den took 76 home... super tired! but still dun feel like gg home... anw it was really fun and funny! many interesting happened! lol.

woke up at 11 plus plus... den attempted to teach en how to cycle... but.... hais... we juz tok and tok and tok... hahas. den went j8 and met daddy for sakae! daddy was late for 1min! hahas! gosh! ate alot la! den took neos! den buy things. go home... a nice and fun day! opps! i'm suppose to study... =X hahas.
headaches back! irritating! it makes me forgetful! i dun like it! rahhs!

i'm a person who doesn't know how to express myself... never... i may be smiling and laughing, but i'm not happy... i may appear stoic, but i'm not... i lost my ability to express myself e day he left... no longer i noe how to say i love you...

i'm feeling super guilty! i did quite a number of wrong things...
to her: i always want to say sorry to you... but e word never came out of my mouth... i'm sorry! really! i love you! i dun mean for these things to happen! but i kant control...hais. (i doubt she will see this... she dun read blogs...)
to him: i'm sorry. i dun mean to be like tt... (i doubt he will see this too... he dun read blogs too...)

recently too many things! i'm seriously gg crazy soon! in my mind there is this voice shouting and screaming crazily! it says: NO!!! then there is this another voice softly saying yes.... occassionally it'll be quiet... till i'm reminded of it... hais... so a yes or a no??? i feel not up to it... and i'm scared... really scared... i went up high once, i fell terribly! not up frm e fall yet... i dun wan to fall another time... i dun lik tis feeling... why do they says they seee ______ in me? but i tink i dun have it....
now i noe wad she means when she wrote tt... yes same qns as hers... why?!

i'm like super angry now?! wad is wrong?! do u value tt small little thing more than e relationships??? wad is wrong la! rahhs! argh! WAD IS WRONG?!?!?!?!?!

crap la... have mock exam tmr and now is like one plus?! i'm still not sleeping... dun tink i'm able to slp tonite... soo much work?! i'm tired! long entry...

-when will you learn not depend on ppl?-

sorry...

2006-03-06T22:25:00.000+08:00

so many things on my mind... it is swimming about... it is overflowing... my brain kant work... i'm gg crazy! i feel so jlc all of a sudden. i dno why. i tink i'm like her i tend to see some things...

i'm sorry... but i juz seriously dun like it! tis is not e way things should be done! stop assuming! k i noe i owaes assume too! but at least i dun make it soo obvious! pls tink wadeva u wan! i dun care! juz dun make it so obvious can! cuz it is irritating! really! i mean it! i'm sorry tt i reacted tis way... but i kant help it... not cuz i dun like you or wad. but juz tt ur ________ irritates me alot! alot!!!

i seriously dun understand certain ppl certain things... wad is gg on??? can someone tell me??? or is it juz tt i'm too slow??? why when u all got e chance u all dun wan it... do u noe if given to her, how much she desire for it... e freedom to choose ___... but u all never treasure it...

-i chosen to ____ __________ __ myself- a much better choice. now i noe wad she meant. it really is better. though i noe it is not very right...

God is the strength...

2006-03-06T01:03:00.000+08:00

Whom do i have in heaven, but you
There is nothing on earth i desire beside you.
My heart and my strength, many times they fail
But there is one truth, that always will prevail.

GOD is the strength of my heart
GOD is the strength of my heart
GOD is the strength of my heart
And my portion forever
Forever...

-it took mi too long to noe tt...

long long entry

2006-03-05T22:10:00.000+08:00

i think tis is going to be a super long entry... cuz i finally decided to blog abt obs... gosh! abit not long only...
DAY1
was alittle late.. reach camp2 slack alittle... played e finger game... funny. but muz hav alot of ppl den fun... hahas. got posted to RALEIGH! was kinda not happy. cuz i like only noe en? and she is not w me?! k la. not really la. i noe ping xiang n xinhui but not shou ma... so... yupps. den we got our instructor, serene! man! she rocks! yupps. den we had short intro... lovely liping, manificent melissa, aunty awyong, xtraordinary xiangling, marvellous michelle, cheerful cherrie, happy heather, act cute aiwei, corny carmen, queenie qinyi good o' geraldine, vivacious valerie, cute carolanne, joyful jiayi, yummy yiling, ???(veri erxin so dun wna say) jialing, and lastly sweet serene! den had happy family! i'm in e weeder fam tgt w xh melissa and qinyi... :D had some activities... den pitch tents and cook den washed up... den have circles... was kinda shocked! cuz got to pack our bags till thurs... everyone thot it was very slack tt day....
DAY2
we had kayaking... xiang is my partner! den got capsize drills... it sucks man! so scary! ppl dunno how to swim lei... den we kayaked all e way to camp 1... washed up a little... den we had rock climbing! super fun! i like all e encouragements! though i didn't reached e top... but i pass my target... hehex. =P den we went to pitch tents and cook... den eat and sing cuz we thot tt vincent guy is taking over us... so we prepared smth for serene... den we washed all e utensils... den we had a little tour ard camp 1... went onto e huge ship! i looked up! ubin stars are super beautiful! i love them! i saw stars line up tgt like a cross! super nice! den have circle again... den we know tt we are gg to have tis sea expedition e next day... we voted xiang n ping to be sea ex leaders! cuz they are experienced! den i oso noe tt we wun be meeting junko all e way to thurs night............. :(((((( oh ya. when i'm outside e toilets got one watch was arguing... e guys so lan! e guys were like toking to e girls, they said:"dun care la! yest we pitched e tents! u all will pitch tdy!" wah! so lan la!
DAY3
woke up early... i wonder why do they owaes have tis weird sounds in e middle of e night... weird weird... den had morning pt... den serene ask us to get e dimest and brightest torch... den while waiting for her... we were suspecting tt we are gg into tt dark tunnel... and really! we are gg in there. serene took away our brightest torch! we went in. it was not tt tough after all... den we went for our sea ex... super tiring!!!! but w all e encouragements! we made it to tt campsite! we met junko on e way!!!! :DDDDD after we reached there pack our stuff... den we went to e quarry... we are suppose to jump into e quarry! wah! i was like freaking scared! cuz it is like 6-7m deep! i dunno how to swim! so i kept letting ppl go first untill left me only.... w all e encouragements i decided to jump! i was freaking scared! it felt weird to not able to touch e ground... and e worst thing is my shoelace juz gotta keep coming off! den sfter tt pitch tents and cook! den discuss abt sea ex, we're gg thru e mangrove! wheeeee! excited! anw. we got no toilets we gotta do it in e wild... yucks... but funny experience... lol. had sunburn... i put sunblock on my hands on my neck but not my face...
DAY4
got sandflies bites on my legs and hands super itchy... we woke up unpitched packed... tis time different we got tis LUM guy w us... he super weird and funny...he told us e shit story. moral of e story: ppl who shit on you may not necessary harm you, ppl who gets you out of e shit may not necessary want to help you... we kayaked into e mangrove... e scenery veri nice but there very smelly... den dunno why me and xiang kept gg one side! so scary... den it was like very jin zhang cuz e tide is gg down but we still haven reached e first dunno wad point.... den we finally reached there! but tide was super low! den me and xiang got off our kayaks first! super disgusting! my white shoes became black! yucks! den we moved e kayaks over e dunno wad point! super tiring! and super gan chiong! cuz e tide is really like low! super super low! den we went off! but yiling and melissa got stuck behind! den we juz kept shouting and shouting! phew! they pass thru it! den we continued! we made it to e second point! and sad to say! i lost my shoes there! :( my leg got stuck in e mud! my leg came out but not my shoe! super weird to be without one shoe... lol. phew! we passed thru e second point! and we made it out to e sea! :DDDDDD but it is still a long long way to camp 2.... but we persevered on! we reached there! everyone so tired! den we washed e kayak.... den we had jetty jump! so scary! i thot it was like e quarry! i was wrong! i open my eyes and nose before i reached e waters... :(((( den washed up! pitch tents. man! i think e guys are totally like......den we has circles! laughed like mad la! cuz of that "LUMP" and tt "SHIT" super funny! den we had night trails! super nice! but scary oso! nightwalk is a walk w God... nightwalk is a test of our faith... after tt smth super traumatizing happened! so disgusting! totally disgusting! wad's so fun abt tt???!!! yucks! den we went bcak to our tents!
DAY5
last day le... :(((((((((((( we planned to wake up at 6! but at 645 someone came to our tent and asked wad time is it le??? xh said 645! i thot she was joking la! den we all faster wake up! luckily we managed to get back on time... we had circle last words... all of us were very sad... some of us cried... den had activity. den sang e songs for serene! super sad! all of us teared... den was shopping! :) den we sat ard. took photos and left....
it was really fun! i love all e encouragements tt we gave each other... it was tt tt keep us going on.... i believe each one of us learn different lessons... though we all learnt e same skills... wad we had in us was different... i noe tt sometimes wad we do may be insignificant to ourselves, but to another person it really meant alot... tis memory i'll owaes keep it close to my heart... i promise... i'll never forget wad we once shared... thank you RALEIGH for letting me grow so strong and letting me learn soo much...
-end of story-

tis few days is kinda mixture if feelings... happy. not happy.
wed :)
first time, all kinds of feelings arose in me... second time, all i felt was peace... thank you...
thurs :(
i was not me... i may appear stoic... but i was laughing! cuz i noe smth... i noe how disappointed she muz hav felt... i feel mean... i'm not myself... i do things tt is not me... i hate it! but tis is e me tt they noe... sad to say they never noe who am i...
fri :) + :(
dunno why la... juz both loh! i saw it... no natter wad... i chosen not to move to my left not my right not backward but forward! i want to move on to e next level! i dun wan to be stuck there!
sat :) + :(
yupps... was late for bs... end up kant go in... :(((( had svc... e drama was super touching i will cry if only....i felt it... den was dinner... e quiz was terrible! i only browse thru e book... hope i wun fail... den went home. e train was cramp!

i'm super irritated... by wad you say. by wad you do. i noe it is unintention... but i juz dun like it! i'm sorry... u dun understand...

u only noe me for who am i on e surface... how abt deep within me??? u never noe... u thot u understand... but actually u dun... u really dunno... wad is on my mind... u'll never understand... who am i??? u'll never noe... i dun even noe!
how disappointing ppl can be... but i'm used to it le... it is no longer ppl tt i depend on but God... who am i doing so much for??? why??? it is all for God... no longer do i put my hopes on ppl...

i did so much... i'm not asking anything in return... but i'm hoping... hoping tt one day... u'll not need me anymore... u'll learn not to depend on ppl anymore... but...

i felt it! it is so strong! i felt it calling me back! wad is it?! it is my long lost desire...

exhuasted

2006-03-05T09:10:00.000+08:00

dunno why am i soo tired??? had been slacking alot! someone shoot me! i screwed up my chem test! i failed my hist test! wad the! i'm gg crazy! any moment! been not really myself recently! and seriously! i dun like it! i got no time! argh! i simply gg mad!!! i pity my guitar and my diary... i did not touch them since like e day before obs till now... like wad crap! ahhhhh! hate all this things tt are driving me crazy!
i hate tis irritating dog! i juz dun like it! i tink mainly cuz it belongs to tt person!!!!! ahhhhhhh! stupid idiotic ppl! get lost la! go away!
i miss obs! a place free of worries... a retreat where i can really relax and think! i see things i nv see before. i learn things i'll never learn in my life... e only place where i see tt humans are humans... a place filled w not disappointment but hopes... but it is all over... i'll dream abt it...

dying...

2006-02-28T00:35:00.000+08:00

tink i'm going to screw up my chem test la!!! freak! came online to install smth but tt thing juz dun wan to work! freak! wad's wrong w everything???

u call urself my friend??? sad to say ppl who dunno me, treat me better than u do... it is simple things like tt, tt shows wad i meant to u...

stop it! tink i'm not having enuff??? all u noe is juz to shout and scold! wad's wrong? is it wrong to be tired? is it wrong to juz wan to help ppl? is it wrong to be committed? is it my freaking fault tt things happen??? argh!

i'm like a rubber band tt is over stretched! i may juz snap anytime! so if u're smart dun touch me!

a smile, a hug and a little care and concern frm you can really brighten my day... am i asking too much???

never will u noe...

2006-02-25T23:57:00.000+08:00

so much to write... but i very lazy and tired so i shall blog abt obs another day.... got so much to do! i can seriously die of tiredness! tink i can dun slp tonite le... haiz... -shakes head-
i tink u'll never understand all these... never will u...
tink i should really stop eating chilli for tis period of time... last nite was totally terrible la! yupps. woke up met my cute nephew! i really missed him like crazy can!!! super crazy!!! i miss alot of ppl too! went for bs den svc... was really not feeling well b4 svc... den after svc is en not feeling well! e msg was really good! den after tt went for dinner... super funny. den went home! liying took e train for me!!!!! i love her! so weet and nice! hahas! i'm her yan zhong tang... lol.

i hate this! why muz u make me hate you more and more??? but i hate myself even more! i hate myself for loving you and hating you at e same time! it feels totally disgusting... i noe deep down in my heart i'll never be able to give u a tight slap n leave you alone.... sometimes i really juz feel like giving up, running away and never say goodbye... but i won't! i'll persevere! not cuz ppl is good but cuz i noe God is good! i'll learn to rely on God not on ppl... cuz ppl kant be trusted...

e song at e beginning kept ringing in my mind... i'll neva forget.... though we'll only get to dream abt it now... i'll keep it real close to my heart...

again...

2006-02-24T23:00:00.000+08:00

yes! i'm back! but i'm not happy! like wad some of them say we're going back to e big world, e reality.... we're coming out of the small world, our dreams... i will not blog abt obs today... another day. got not enuff time... i'm seriously disappointed... why? why does it juz have to happen??? everytime it juz make me lose everything... it is really not easy for me to pick everything up over and over again... i'm tired... i want to juz run away... but i can't... can i give up??? NO! i will not!

u noe sometimes when u say things tt u dun mean it. it is pretty obvious! esp when i'm not blind and insensitive to things... do u really think i'm tt dumb??? pls can everything u all do, every word u all say be frm e bottom of ur heart... can we be more true to each other??? it is really disappointing some things juz have to happen over and over again... is it really too much juz to be true to each other??? is it tt hard...
why? why does it juz have to be u??? some things tt u can do but u dun... some things u can say but u won't... all these things juz goes to show where i stand in ur heart... wad do i mean to u... all these things are juz simple little things... it is really simple... is it tt hard for u to do tt??? perhaps i really expected too much frm ppl... pls dun close e door tt i have been trying hard to keep it open... e door to my heart...

e experience is smth i will keep in my heart forever... i will hold it close to my heart...
i think RALEIGH rocks really hard!!! i love RALEIGH!!! <3

hiaz...

2006-02-19T22:00:00.000+08:00

is it really smth i really will juz never noe??? pls... dun make me lose it over again and again.. sorry i din't open up myself... i should have done it.. but i juz kant let go... it is really easy to say u wan to do tis u wan to do tt... but it is really hard to really do wad u say! so i'll nv say anything i kant do... every word tt i say... i speak frm e bottom of my heart... i really meant it when i say it... i closed it up again... why make me do this???

dno why i'm traumatise... by smth... which i dun even noe wad... suddenly i juz find myself in a daze... i dun like it... was packing my obs things... untill now still haven finish packing... lots of things... really juz dun feel lik packing... feel like gg... oso dun feel lik gg... haiz...
on sat... had bs for 3hrs++! frm foyer nobody to foyer full of ppl... 4 lessons! alot lei! wah! need time to digest... den went for svc! it was great! let the whole world worship you! lots of things went thru my mind... den we went changi to makan... and... they juz kept laughing and laughing... den went home... watch jin san shun! super nice and funny! but... but... i was too tired... i fell asleep... lol. =p
have 2 babies in my hze tdy! wah! headache lei! but they are super cute! wheeeeee! juz love them! went to e playground w my nephew! he super cute la... we sit on e slide den he say: "let's go! one! two! threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" den we slide down... hahas. love him to bits and pieces... den went home... :D dno why suddenly i'm so attracted to lollipop... been eating it e past few days... ^_^
hate ppl who is irresponsible! k i noe i'm toking abt myself.... why?! cannot ah! i hate myself loh.... she made things e way it is...
i'm sorry... no! we are not failures... i'm e one... i'm sorry... tink i'm e cause of it... i'm really sorry! tink i'm lan... there is really nth i can do besides saying sorry.... i'm really sorry... if only u all didn't get to noe me... if only u all didn't get close to me... dui bu qi... i let u all down... i noe it is not our fault... i had not been treating u all well... sorry...

will ppl juz be a little more sensitive to ppl's feelings... argh! my mum is throwing tempers recently... everything oso can fnd things to scold! pls... enuff... u'll never understand me... even tho... u'll juz nv...

love=willing to sacrifice my best to let you go further...
SHE IS AWESOME! AND SHE IS INCREDIBLE! THANK YOUs! FOR EVERYTHING! :D -ilu-
i love my fam! no matter wad! i love them! =D
-edited-
abit late... but nvm...
U"RE BEAUTIFUL! ILOVE YOU TOO! :D wo ye hui xiang ni de...

crap la

2006-02-18T00:36:00.000+08:00

wad rubbish... i noe it is not over yet... and i'm still waiting.... i believe one day u will see it... did i choose to give up??? or am i still holding on.... too much things on my mind... tt make me kant think properly... i kant even ans sucha simple question... how ben can i get... i dno la... like wad crap! i got back my e-math test paper tdy... and i'm very happy tho i only like juz pass... i noe i can do better... but thank God tt even tho i made a very stupid mistake i did not fail e paper... hiaz... i dunno la... i still dunno. dun ask me. boo! rahhs!

i like toking to u.... cuz it seems tt u're e only one who will feeel e way i do... cuz it seems tt u're e only one who will understand... Thank you! :D

where???

2006-02-16T00:42:00.000+08:00

didn't finish my v-day gift... i fell asleep... how lousy can i get... decided not to give le la... maybe juz some ppl... been really busy last week.... not so busy le! feeling super irritated by some ppl!!! is tis how everything is suppose to work??? NO! wad rubbish! arghhh! BOO! i hate it! i hate it! stop it! enough! spent a weird v-day... i wan to go for obs but yet at e same time i dun wan to go... obs is funn. it is also good... but if i go... mean missing 5 days of lessons! tho i dun really like lessons! but it is essential! wad crap... many other reasons too...
i like her! but am i a boat tt catches fishes too???
sometimes i really dunno which way should i go... i always plan a set of things for me to do everyday... but most of e time nth much is done... ain't i useless??? perhaps i expected too much... too much frm myself... too much frm ppl ard me... why??? it has been a long long time since i felt tt pain... i rmb... tt night my heart was bleeding... if i ever had a chance to start all over again... will i take e path i took??? am i having regrets??? who i am??? wad am i doing??? why does everything juz had to happen??? i'm soo tired... i dun wan! i really dun wan! dun wan to go back to where i started out... everything was not easy... it was really not easy for me to come tt far... dun push me back into it again.... why? why give me hopes den crush it over and again? do u enjoy seeing me in pain? why is everything so uncertain in my life??? rahhs! arghhhh! i dunno la.... wad crap is tis???

-once again, e feeling is back...-

i dunno

2006-02-13T20:23:00.000+08:00

many things happened... all i can say is i'm really dunno... disappointed w some things some people... perhaps i'll really never understand some things some people... sad over some things... but at the same time i felt a load off my mind... pehaps i thought things through... i feel happy too... :D haiyo dunno la...
wheeeeeeeeee. went j8 after school today... nice niec! although things that i planned to do didn't really happen... but most importantly is that i had fun! been a long time since i felt so not depressed...

SAT
met ivory in the morning then went walk walk around... was late cause was doing the present the whole night as i was super busy and stressed by lots of ridiculous things! then went for svc... after svc went to the terrace to eat... then had badminton... den home... lights was spoiled! meaning can't do my work! while waiting for the light to work... i fell asleep.... boo! wad crap! lots of things undone!

SUN
saw my darlingx! missed her like crazy!!! super long never see her! went to fang's house... and they(fang, celine liew, vanessa, dunno chen jun or quan jun celine's bf) were playing mahjong... then jocelyn came and vanessa left so she took over her... super funny la... hahas. had fun... hehex! then went home was so tired so i fell asleep... then ard dunno wad time i woke up... but was only half awake and i sms-ed dunno who to give me wake up call.... was not fully awake till 2 plus... den started to do my work... gave up on that le! wad is this man! hais... sms-ed a bit then ended up on the phone... lolx. got soo hi toking la... and my mum thot i was toking to a guy... hahas! yupps! i was toking to shuai ge mah! lolx. WO AI JIN SAN SHUN!!!!!!! ahhhhh. tt guy is super shuai la!!! put down the phone at 6 then con't w my work... den morn call...very fierce. malu! then left for school...

was really tired today... cuz obviously didn't sleep... almost fell asleep but not really... hahas. ahhhhhhhh. still haven do my v-day prezzie... how ah?! tonight can dun slp oso le... man i'll go crazy tis way la...

i saw it... and i was affected... i tried my best... i put in my effort... how abt you??? it is always u wan or dun wan, never a u can or cannot thing... wad kept me going was soo simple... e word LOVE! my love and their love...

weird day

2006-02-10T17:25:00.000+08:00

today is weird day....i thot i'll be quite depressed today... but yes i am... but wad i expect to happen didn't and wad i didn't expect, it happened... wasn't really tired... perhaps i gone crazy... not perhaps but yes i am... i'm so dead... i feel everything is failure... i hate everything... i'm soo gg to fail my e-maths and hist test tis week... for e-maths test, i kant imagine i act made such a stupid mistake! e most stupid mistake ever! i bet no one made tt mistake before la. so rubbish! and e worse thing was tt was not e only mistake despite me checking e paper thrice! perhaps i was too tired... for elect hist today! it was total crap!!! it was not tt hard... but only if i did study... my mind was blind when i got e paper... mind so blank tt i kant even think of any crap to write... i'm not really happy or sad... but really i juz tink my life now really is erxin! i'm tired... when will everything end???
was feeling quite helpless tdy... soo... hiaz. i dno. i'm confused. sometimes i tink i noe. sometimes i dno. dno la. sorry.
wad are frens for??? isn't it suppose to be base on trust??? ren yu ren zi jian de xin ren zai na li???
wad i wan is so simple. it is juz to KNOW tt u're here w me. not u standing by my side silently...

-exhuasted-

2006-02-10T00:41:00.000+08:00

no longer can i think properly... been giving crap... sigh! i dun wish to... but i kant help it...

u rather see me not having time to slp + no time to study for test + no time to do hw... than help me do some simple things... how selfish you can get... w more than 8hrs of slp everyday... yet u complain soo much...

felt soo pissed off today!!! simple instructions dun understand! nvm! dun understand still dun ask!!! then give me crap!!! wad rubbish!!!

-if only i could survive w only an hour of slp a day...-

fears...

2006-02-08T23:19:00.000+08:00

i fear that everything will be a failure... i dread as e day draw closer... i fear...

sorry cuz i felt i didn't give my best shot... dui bu qi...

-i want to runaway and never say goodbye...-

-lost-

2006-02-07T21:02:00.000+08:00

is she really able to be who she is???
she hate tis...
she hate e responsibility she need to take...
she hate e things tt she need to do...
she hate everything...
who is she???
she dun even noe...
perhaps she put on a mask for too long...
now she kant take it off...
perhaps she hid herself for too long...
now she kant find herself...
wad is she seeking for???
who is she looking for???
she used to be a happy girl...
she lost it...
she used to be strong...
she lost it...
she lost it all... everything...

strong...

2006-02-06T21:03:00.000+08:00

i learnt that no matter how strong a person may be...
He/She will also have times that they are weak...
i learnt that no, i'm not strong...
no matter how hard i try... i'm not...
strong??? what does it mean to be strong???
yes. she is right alot of times...
people without God are stronger than people with God...
why is that so???
anybody willing to answer my question???

i will learn what it means to be strong...
i will learn how to be strong...
i will learn to be strong...

-will you oso love me e way i love you???-

2006-02-06T20:31:00.000+08:00

oh man yest was juz great!!!! i really love delirious!!! i like tt song... oh man! it was really nice... it was diff frm svc1... wheeeeeeeeeee!!!! it was really wah!!! man! i'm in love w...
after svc went back home to see my precious nephew!!! man! he is soo cute i love him!!!!!! i was on e train then he called me and said " yi yi come back!" oh man! so ke-ai!!! hahas. made me soo high in e train... malu! hehex... den after tt went to orchard w him!!! saw quan yifeng at taka.... den went to art frens to buy some materials for v-day... den send him home....

- i saw e saddness in his eyes... i fought hard to hold back my tears... my heart goes all out to him... -

whose fault was it??? no point trying to make-up now... you noe and i noe tt no matter wad we do it can never heal the little heart of his and ours... why??? why??? are all parents so irresponsible??? perhaps it runs in e fam... i miss him...

i was soo tired tt i decided not to go to chingay... and i almost miss my stop... cuz was sms-ing... aiyah. juz did quite a number of ben things.... realise in e nite tt i send 2sms to a person w e same content but totally diff words... and i dun even rmb tt i ans e call tt was suppose to wake me up... but i dreamt tt i ans e phone.... okay it is not a dream la... but i thot it to be... woke up only at 12 plus la! den started doing e housework den start on my hw... den slept for a hour or so...

slept during eng lesson... tink if she is really gg to cont to teach me i'm juz soo gg to fail la... it was like in sec1 ms rockey taught me and my english did improve... but in sec2 she taught me and my english went back to e same old results... den she taught me for sec3 and even sec4!!! hiaz... after sch was comm mtg as usual it was BOO! i dislike her attitude... pls la. got some sense... yesh! i noe i'm not any better... but ppl dun look up to me they look up to you... and why did everything ever turn out tis way??? u noe e ans... den went to study...

i sort of feeling disconnected now... why??? am i tinking too much??? tink they were all right... where is my ********??? where were you all when.... why did i work soo hard for??? for who??? i gave my best but did anyone care???
i'm so scared tt i'llost it again... i only juz got it back for like a few days.... i dun wan to lose it...
there is still lots of thots on my mind.... soo much...
i juz wna say i do love all of them... i do... dun doubt... no matter wad i do my love never dies... but will they oso love me e way i love them??? -i wonder-

wad does it mean to throw everything away???

-i always believed tt.... and i nv stop believing....-

i always believed tt....

2006-02-05T02:17:00.000+08:00

today was really nice!!! been a long long long time since i laughed soo much... been a long long long time since i smiled frm e bottom of my heart... i'm happy..... i really am... why am i so happy??? gd question.... cuz i oso dno e ans... all i noe is i'm happy!!! i wonder why.... :D
met ivory in e morn and we shopped ard at wl... den went to expo and had games... funny. weirdly we won e first prize!!! hahas. lol. after games was bs... nice nice oso. den it was svc! delirious really nice!!! it was like wah! hahas. den after svc was dinner.... den we played zhong ji mi ma... stupid me lost twice... lol.

dere was alot of thots on my mind on fri.... soo much tt i kant tink properly... tt i actually forgotten to write everything down... as usual i forgotten lots of it... so how??? cannot write le...
it is true! e higher u are e harder u fall... perhaps should not have went tt high....

realised i shouldn't slp....... why do i feel e need to slp more even when i slp like soo early and slept for 8 hours!!!!!! it is like soo much!!! man! and i still fall asleep during lessons.... hiaz...
really got lotsa of things undone... soo much i'm gg crazy really soon!!! so many hearts to sew.... soo many things to study.... like even for e non-test topics... and lotsa hw undone!!! 5 eng compre. ss. hist. math. dun rmb le la... boo! rahhs! soo no time... i miss my guitar!!! ahhhhhhhh! w only 24 hours a day and soo many things to be done.... obviously still got ppl busier than me... wonder how they survive one??? lol.
hmmmm. v day coming le... wad shld i do??? haiz... i doubt i even have time to do smth le... i shall try.... i will....
i miss my darlingx!!! hope she gets well soon!!! thot i cld see her tdy one....

she is right, she always say things tt motivate me... but it still doesn't really remove e axe... i need to take a move... soon i hope.....

wheeeeeeeee :DDDDDD

2006-02-03T00:36:00.000+08:00

oh man today is soo nice!!! but not for e afternoon part... okay it was not tt bad la... but i juz hate it... i dun care. say i'm irresponsible if u wan cuz i dun wan to be responsible... like i said i alr lost my passion for it... actually i lost it long ago... but e fire didn't really die-d untill like tis year... i was really dumb... if the person hurt u once e person is dumb... but if e person hurt u twice, u 're e dumb one...

tinking back... tink all of us belong to another place... but if we did not wu da wu zhuang den come tgt.... we won't come to noe each other alr rite??? hiaz. sad to say we're not as close as before le... perhaps all of us changed... well.. ppl do change... wad can i say???

back to today! first first thing: NO LESSON!!! wheeeeeeeeee!!! den we had this special prog: some retreat!!! it was super nice!!! e whole team really rocks man... i mean yah! it was like.... aiyah dunno how to say la... but... i liked their testimonies... cuz it motivated me.... it was like wah! before recess was veri funny they had this funny indian dance... but oso kinda weird... lol. after recess was e crying part... almost cried but never.... then got tis ghost story.... lol. funny. den oso got tis part where by they said got 1 grp of ppl worshipped e satan for 3hours!!! oh man! 3 hours lei!!!! so bian tai!!!!!!!

den they said they had tis mission trip to thailand(i tink) i really want to go!!!! but... but... we got Os. like so crap la. it is in june.... how to go???? hiaz... i really want to go and carry e babies there la... i wan to let them noe wad is love!!!! it is like i kant bear too see them unloved... i wan to noe how to give my love to others... i want to change! i dun wan to be where i am now... but i want to change!!!
(still got alot of things i dno how to say...)
today's retreat really did draw me closer to who i am...
i wan to be who i am... but i need time... i really need... i noe.... i'll return to it soon...

they say negative tinking comes frm e devil... yes they are right... come to tink of it... why was i so stupid??? i actually let my negative tinking affected me... to tink i actually said i want to rule over my negative feelings.... apparently i failed terribly... but i'll learn... i really want to change... help me.... i really want to do e things u do.... teach me your ways....

there is soo much i want to do!!!! man!!! i love today!!!!

:(

2006-02-01T19:32:00.000+08:00

yest my mum invited her frens to our house.... it was soo boring... worse thing was they juz had to stand in front of e tv and start having a convo as if they were invisible.... rahhs! den they took all e fan out to e living room... i was so hot in e room... and they only left my house like 4++ 5am in e morn!!! and my stupid bro... kept disturbing me... when i was playing e guit and doin my hw he juz had to come and bother me, den keep on asking me to off e light cuz he want to slp! -_-!!! den when i finally finished everything he juz gotta start doing his hw and dun allow me to slp.... wad rubbish! super irritating... den when he finally off e light, he start to tok non-stop... telling me abt his 'heroic' acts in school... trying to impress me... he tok for one whole hour! till i kant stand it anymore so i scolded him. firstly, i was so tired and irritated enuff le.... secondly, his 'heroic' acts does not impress me at all!!! only get to slp at 4++ 5am.... like wad rubbish!

was quite guai today... only fell asleep during eng lesson... den went for remedial.... den i went to e cc! lol. tink they are still as cute as ever... very funny.... went there to bai nian... received a 'firecracker' angbao.... cute! very funny... den went to macs eat and tok den went home... wanted to slp first den wake up later to do my work... but smth happened! i was freaking pissed off! like wadeva la!!!

oh man!!!! everyone say i grow fatter!!! -pouts- + -sulk- :(

hiaz! can somebody kill me pls... pls kill me... i can sense tt i lost e passion for it le... no longer i want to be part of it.... no longer i wished to participate in e activities.... man! i hate myself!!! i really do! tis juz totally .....!!! argh!!! i hate everything!!!! will everything juz go away??? will everything juz stop happening??? will time juz go abit slower... i kant stand myself!!! i'm a lousy person!!! argh! rahhs! argh!
to whom can i share my troubles with??? to whom can i share my joy with???

cycling....

2006-01-31T16:49:00.000+08:00

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! finally went cycling... my mum n bro slept at 5 la! den manage to get out of e hze at 0530... went to many places... cycled for abt an hour or so.... den i found a place... i sat at e swing and stared at e skies.... nice nice... beautiful stars! i love them!!! as i sat on e swing i felt as though i'm flying to e stars... sat there till no more stars... den cont cycling for abt an hour or soo... den go home.... felt much more better now.... how i wish i could go there everyday.... i didn't go tt place in e end... maybe one day. one day i will... lets wait for tt day to come...

forgetful me... i darnk a glass of milk last night... haiz... :(

-pls help me... help me to look for it....-

:(

2006-01-31T02:27:00.000+08:00

had a really scary dream... been really long since i had tt feeling.... argh! super not nice! rahhs!

oh my! oh my! juz feel tt i'm gg crazy as each day passes...... totally lose my motivation to study... dunno why.... i'll juz place all e hw on my table and start doing other things... boo!
i need a break! i dun care! i'm gg cycling later!!! i'm gg to tt place!!! hope everyone slp soon... cuz i'm falling asleep... but... i really wan go cycling... been a long time since i done tt! okay! decided! i shall wait for everyone to slp first......

rahhs! :(

2006-01-29T00:56:00.000+08:00

i juz hate chinese new year every year... but why??? everything is not suppose to turn out tt way... but why did it turn out tt way??? this is juz soo.... argh! i juz hate everything.... rahhs! i tried soo hard... but i still failed... i'm sucha failure! i hate myself!!! argh!!! i can see it... i saw e sadness in her eyes... i saw her disappointment... man! i juz hate it!!!
i used to look forward to chinese new year... not only tt but oso other things... but now... i simply juz lose interest practically in everything... why??? why??? i searched soo hard... but i kant find it anymore... no longer it will return....
wad a lousy start for new year... :( rahhs!

am i still able to be who i am??? am i still able to keep that smile on my face??? i'm afraid...

soo much on my mind... soo much i wan to do... soo much i wan to say... where is my courage???
-pls keep my fire burning...-

shopping!!!!

2006-01-26T23:34:00.000+08:00

juz realise how long i haven been shopping!!! went shopping on wed w mah mah!!! fun fun! nice nice! bought 2 hot pink tops and a brown skirt!!! ah!!!
seriously tink i'm like gg crazy?! like go shopping when i have test e next day?! yes! i'm!
went shopping today again!!!!! but it is not as nice as yest! conculsion: pre-planned shopping=no fun! was not really in e mood to shop... juz when we were abt to get into e mood it is alr gg 10... :(
why does school juz have to end soo late??? like wad rubbish loh... argh! i dun like school and i hate thursday... a disgusting day.... tink i'm gg to hate monday too... i dun wan attend..........

where is e passion i used to have??? i was on fire... no... not only me... but we were on fire.... but we lost it all soo soon. soo fast tt we didn't notice.... how we used to work tgt towards a common goal... why does things have to change??? why everything was passed on but juz not e passion... i hate this... it is only making my life miserable.... :(

today... :D

2006-01-23T23:39:00.000+08:00

i like today... today is a not so bad day... today is my... my.... my beloved birthday!!!
MAH SIEW EN!
HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY!!! :D
WO AI SI NI LE!!! :P
i kept on having gastrics la... is like whether i eat or dun eat it juz will come... so... bleahx! it is like super pain... realise i'm soo not interested in food recently... is like i see e food i only feel disgusted... dunno why...
went to town today... wheeeeeeeeeeee! celebrated en's bdae! hehex... after went to ajisen... was soo full can... and think we sit there for too long liao... but happy happy! really cannot imagine how ben i can get le... soo unimaginable... i boarded e wrong side of e train... yes! again! wah. dunno how many times le la! hais. and i got lost in city hall mrt la... like so ben... rahhs. :( haiyo.

still got alot of things haven do yet... and my stupid com juz gotta choose this time to spoil... like wad rubbish la! i lost all my hw, all my documents, all my powerpoint, all my photos, all my songs... aiyah. juz practically everything la.... -faintz-

yeah! :D tmr is e first time i'm gg back to jurong church after we moved to expo... i'm soo excited! i really miss that place! it is where i first started! love everything there! been sucha long time since we have svc in jurong... wheeeeeeeeeeee! but.... but.... hais.... i got remedial! :( so will reach there like late??? how??? i dun wan! -pouts-

-I was lost but now I'm here with you!-

freaking bad day!

2006-01-20T14:21:00.000+08:00

yest was freaking bad! rahhs! i felt soo argh! i was soo tired can! den i was act not feeling soo bad alr... den in e morn all e feelings juz came back la! like what the!
YEST
soo much for all e planning... for those things tt we had done... no one appreciated it! thanks soo much for making everything a failure when we tried soo hard to make everything a sucess! go and die la! argh! rahhs! wad is this la! dun involve us if u dun wan to... den juz put e blame on us! rahhs! hope u'll juz take everything and eat it up and choke on it and die! juz get out of my life! GO AWAY! GET LOST!!! I RELLY REGRET IT SOO MUCH! i shouldn't have...... till now everything is still huanting me! can u juz freaking get out of my life!!! man! u really sucks! u do! rahhs! argh! tis total crap! we really did tried! we did our best we could! but u! u! u juz had to do it!
TODAY! had gastrics! soo pain tt i couldn't get out of my bed! this too much! is it my fault that i didn't eat lunch yest??? (yes it was!) but was it my fault tt i was soo tired after i came home after those crap tt i didn't eat my dinner and i fell asleep??? FREAKING HELL NO!!! it was of all those things... i tried soo hard! but u never noe! juz all u noe is to scold me and scold me! like wateva la! den why did u give birth to me in the first place??? i alr had gastric soo pain tt i couldn't get out of my bed... and all u could say was, u deserve it! tong si ni jiu hao! like what the! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! freak! u tink i dun have enuff in sch ah? den when i come home... still wan to give me some more! wad is this la??? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

no words can describe my feelings now! i feel soo freaking angry... soo freaking sad.... so freaking disappointed... soo freaking irritated... soo freaking guilty! soo freaking upset w EVERYTHING AND MYSELF!!! i'm suppose to rule over it... i'm sorry... give me time... rahhhhhhhhhs! arghhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!